Thursday, August 27, 2015

adios summer

we've been in a drought all summer and if the weatherman is correct it's all going to come to an end tomorrow, heavy rain! last night panic set in, i hadn't cleaned the gutters all summer waiting for some cool weather because i didn't want to climb up on the roof in the hot sun. there was a tremendous amount of shit on the roof that i'm sure would have plugged the down pipes resulting in watering backing up the roof and spilling over the gutters. i took 3 plastic grocery bags with me but quickly realized that i'd need at least 5 bags. i was in a quandary since about the hardest part of the job is climbing down from the roof when the ladder is fully extended and very shaky. i decided to fill my 3 bags and toss the rest over the edge. adding to my stress was a certain dog whining and wanting to aid in the fun. she likes to follow me everywhere but she can't climb ladders for sour apples. i'm happy to report the dirty job is done.

in my drinking days the job would have been done long ago. how so you say? way back when i had this crazy sense of justice. if i did some chores, i could go out and get loaded with a clear conscience. i ended up getting a lot of stuff accomplished because being heavily into alcohol, i'd do almost anything to justify my evil ways. the good news was i got a lot of stuff done, the bad news is i usually had a hangover and of course spending time in bars costs a pretty penny.

here's the crazy part of my drinking, i always had a plan B in case things went wrong. it didn't matter how fucked up things got in my life i always had plan B to fall back on. my plan B was to quit drinking. quit drinking and the world would be my oyster. when i quit drinking, losing plan B was a problem. it was my crutch, how the fuck could i get depressed when there was always plan B to straighten things out. when i quit drinking plan B didn't really live up to my expectations. the problems didn't go away and i had no fucking plan B to fall back on. but at least the hangovers were gone and it's funny how much money you end up with in your wallet when alcohol is removed from the equation.

then one day i got a new plan B. fuck it, i could start drinking again. i still have a cupboard full of jack daniels and single malt. so plan B is within reach in case of emergency. so i got that going for me too, which is real nice.

i love you sons of bitches.

Thursday, August 20, 2015

2 months

the rip has been my partner in crime for 2 months now and she's exceeded my expectations by a country mile. the first day she drove everyone nuts by pacing the perimeter of the fence in the back yard, she just wouldn't stop. she was like that energizer bunny. since she was a stray and lived on the streets for a while she's hyper alert, nothing gets by her. in 2 months i've been unable to get any good pictures because she just won't sit still unless she's sitting by my side. i tried to take a good picture this morning and this is the best i could get:

best of all, she's a totally excellent security system for the house. we were without a beast for 7 months after ruby ascended to the next level and that was the first time in my life i had been without a beast. i really missed the feeling of security knowing someone had my back. a guy always needs someone or something to have his back. fathers and dogs are the 2 things that never let you down and i lost both but now i have the rip and everything's coming up roses!

each night before crawling into bed i have a little chat with the rip and tell her what an excellent job she's doing. i spare no platitudes and i offer no suggestions on how she could improve her performance. ruby was bigger and much more powerful than the rip but good old rip makes up for it with speed and alertness.

and she caught a rat in the backyard! if that isn't nice, what is?

i love you sons of bitches.

Monday, August 17, 2015

fuck!

son of a bitch, i wrote a truly magnificent and inspiring epistle on the aging process and then i clicked on the wrong x and the goddamned son of a whore got deleted! perhaps it was sign that the aging process is accelerating at a far greater pace than i had imagined. so it goes.

all the flowery prose and descriptions are down the crapper with the deleted post so here's the song i've selected to be played as i ascend to valhalla. anyone with half a fucking brain probably figured out what song i would select at the onset of this award winning series on the aging process of a man whom a few morons think is the product of white privilege.

now as an added bonus, here's how my main man shane has aged over the years. 30 years hence he is a free man in paris.

yes, i watched the whole concert and in the spirit of a true celtic warrior, shane appeared to be gaining strength as the concert went on.

i love you sons of bitches and i'm truly sorry that you were unable to read the original masterpiece that i mistakenly deleted.

Thursday, August 13, 2015

the penultimate song

almost there. for the penultimate song in the aging series gimmick i'll focus on old men and memories. as we age, we tend to forget and there's a whole fucking industry out there only too willing to sell us supplements and brain exercise games designed to help us with our "perceived" memory loss. the only racket better than health supplements is probably religion but they both operate on the same principle, pay now and expect good things down the road. like i said, great racket.

back to memory loss and here's where you better pay attention. as i was sitting in the doctors office getting ready for some cognitive tests i was hit by a thought that everyone should consider when worrying about memory loss.

news flash, you're fucking delusional if you think you had a photographic memory in your youth. fuck me, i've been forgetting shit all my life so why beat myself up if i forget a few things in my old age. and here's the bonus, when you grasp this fact your memory actually improves because your stress level decreases and very few things fuck you up more than stress. so in case you forgot:

YOUR MEMORY WAS NEVER PERFECT, IT'S HEALTHY TO FORGET USELESS SHIT. IT FREES UP SPACE FOR GOOD STUFF.

now here's the song that reflects my current state of mind, old but still kicking.

i love you sons of bitches.

Tuesday, August 11, 2015

bonus

i have a confession. when i started this epic odyssey to document the aging process, the gimmick was front and center in my old mind. i didn't even know what 5 songs would be highlighted but such is life. to make amends for this transgression, allow me to share the most poignant poem of our generation:

There once was thug named Brown

Who bum-rushed a cop with a frown

Six bullets later

He met his creator

Then his homies burnt the town down

i wanted to share this epic poem on facebook but it might cost me a few friends and i can't afford to lose any more friends since they're dropping like flies these days.

i love you sons of bitches.