jesus loves me like crazy, and then some

it's that time of year again. the utes are celebrating graduating or not graduating. of course the utes like to drink a little alcohol whilst celebrating. that's where i come in. i collected $28.65 in empty liquor cans and bottles in a 48 hour period.

here's the good part. with the lovely mrs myshkin nowhere to be seen i crammed them all into her lousy suv and drove to the bottle depot. there's lots of ants in her suv right now as well as a sickly stale beer aroma. just another reason why she'll love me should she ever return which i'm sure she will.

back to my treasures. the utes also like to take off their clothes when they get drunk. i found 3 new gap shirts. 2 of them are really nice, and they fit too. there were some ties with them but i didn't get to where i am today by wearing ties made of synthetic fibers. i might be a scavenger but i have some standards of dress.

then yesterday i came upon what might be the find of the summer. 2 fecking cartons of cigarettes! i don't know what they cost in your neck of the woods but a carton of smokes around here cost at least $70.00 and i got 2 of the feckers!!! now i just have to find a nubile young vietnamese gymnast who smokes.

i had lots more adventures riding around the parks at 5:00 am but i hate writing long posts almost as much as reading them. i was diagnosed as "easily distracted" at a young age.

the first 44 seconds of this video are excellent. watch the rest at your own peril.



i love you sons of bitches...

salt of the earth

If there's something weird
and it don't look good
Who ya gonna call?
The volunteer fire department!



sonny has made his old dad proud. he has joined the volunteer fire department up north. not only is sonny in the volunteer fire department, he's the deputy chief!
the hank hill of town if i may say so myself. if i was there with him, i'd be the dale dribble to his hank hill. if the lovely mrs myshkin was still with us she'd be the perfect minh souphanousinphone. (kahn's wife)

so, who ya gonna call?



i love you son's of bitches almost as much as i love the volunteer fire department!!

MAJOR FECKIN FIND ON THE SCAVENGING BEER TINS AND ASSORTED SHIT FRONT, STAY TUNED!

happy as a feckin clam

there seems to be a general malaise hanging over blogdom at the moment. i can't put my finger on it but i can feel it. maybe it's the dog days of summer approaching or maybe the high price of oil or maybe you backed the wrong turtle in the great race. i backed a loser but i've bounced back with a vengence and i owe it all to this little beauty.



i can whip up a tasty meal in no time and clean up's a breeze. in my current state of loneliness and isolation i just curl up with my new grill and dream of the wonderous meals i'll be able to prepare in the coming days, weeks, months and years. (they were on sale so i bought a spare)

i'm not quite so happy when the drip pan is out of alignment and great globules of grease roll off the counter but life is full of challenges and like i said, i'm happy as a feckin clam.

i love you sons of bitches.

so i got that going for me too....

take a gander at all the feckin plants i'm supposed to be watering.




luckily after a wet winter there's a real healthy water table a few feet down so i'm not watering anything. but i won't mention that should the person to whom these feckin plants belong ever return.

on a more scholarly note, i've been watching a 4 part series on the personal relationships between hitler, statlin, churchill and roosevelt. it's called warlords and it's excellent.

in case you don't get around to watching it;

roosevelt thought churchill was a drunken nitwit but was duped by stalin.
churchill was strung along by roosevelt and was paranoid about stalin's intentions.(he was proven right)
stalin was a cold blooded scheming liar. he took delight in taking watching the poles suffer.
hitler was the only guy that didn't chain smoke but he had a few other character flaws.

a lot of people got killed


on a brighter note, i received a lovely private karate lesson today. ;))))
it was enough to take my mind off minesweeper.

so i got that going for me too :)

smokin cigarettes and watchin.....

smokin cigarettes and watchin captain kangaroo, don't tell me i've nothing to do....


does anybody remember this aggravating game. since i don't have a boss around the house to supervise me and assign menial tasks on a whim, i decided to expand my mind. years ago i beat this thing almost every time. now the goddamned thing is driving me nuts. all i do is blow myself up. there is one good thing about getting blown up, it sounds real cool with the sound turned up.

ruby has decided to deepen her bond with me. she's taken to driving her head into my lap and demanding that her ears and neck get scratched. she's got an neck like an ox so it's hard to dissuade her. i might have to give her a bath.

back to this feckin minesweeper. if a certain person thinks i'm lonely, she's sadly mistaken. i have ruby and minesweeper. shit, maybe i'll break out sonny's grand theft auto one of these days.

i love you son's of bitches.

sulu ties the knot

to boldly go where no man has gone before....



i guess kirk wasn't the best man.

lunatics

i've turned into a lunatic magnet.

1. a week ago a crazy asian guy sat next to me on the bus and pushed his leg into mine and started bouncing it up and down. i said fuck off under my breath but had my mp3 player going and said it louder than i thought. we had a staring contest and he removed his leg from mine.

2. a few days later and old sikh in a turban does the same thing to me but since he was old i didn't swear. i just put my wet umbrella against his leg and he moved.

3. i was parking my bike at the library and from behind some one started yelling,"what do you think you're doing" i turned around and said "what the fuck do you want." even though i was the only person around he said "never mind sir, i wasn't talking to you."

4. i was walking down a wide street when a guy in a motorized wheelchair came up behind me and started tooting his cute little horn and telling me to move when he had tons of room to go around. i used my favorite f word and he went around. he then came up behind a well dressed businessman and was real aggressive in getting the guy to move. he moved.

5. a seemingly intelligent became oblivious to my charms vast knowledge of sea turtles just up and disappeared.

happy fathers day

;)

the perfect father

i be happy

sometimes i say to myself, "holy crap, maybe jesus really does love me." i'm not sure if jesus loves me or not , in fact i'm not even sure jesus floated up to heaven when he ran out of easter candy. but i digress, who gives a shit if jesus loves me or not. i be happy today.




figure it out.

i am depressed

the great turtle race is over. i can't figure out how that horse race on the weekend got more press than the great turtle race but then again i can't figure out why people would throw 10% of their money at the pope.

to those of you who embraced the race, i thank you. i think big tex has a real future in turtle racing. the race may be over but the struggle to keep these magnificent beasts off the extinction list continues.

this cheers me up.



did you know that robert mitchum was arrested for marijuana possession in the 40's and smoked pot well into his old age. we won't mention his visit to the betty ford center in 1984.

my turtle is on drugs

my feckin turtle, stinger, has taken a wrong turn and headed north. good old stinger is either on drugs or has fallen in love with billie ii. billie headed north a few days ago and now stinger is running after billie. that billie must be one gorgeous turtle.

TURTLE RACE UPDATES


on a different note, it's been raining like crazy around here so i've been looking for ways to amuse myself. i was going to cut an apple in half and watch it turn brown but i decided to watch a dog eat a ju jube.



turtle racing and watching a dog eat ju jubes. it doesn't get much better than this.

is it over?

seemingly the turtle race is over, not the thrilling, far reaching global race with thorough bred racers. i'm talking about the clinton/hussein race. or is it over?

in my mind i've won my bet of $7.25 on hussein winning the nomination. my buddy with whom i made the bet with will not concede defeat. he is still positive that hussein will not be the nominee when the smoke clears at the convention.

why is he so sure?

he is convinced that the j---s will never let a n----- be president. i'm sure most people can figure out who the j's are and who the n's are. if you can't figure it out i can supply some "rhymes with" clues in the future.

i can't have a conversation with my buddy without it ending in an argument over the j's. he is convinced the j's are responsible for every evil on the planet at the moment. my buddy is not a stupid man, he is quite wealthy. the problem is that he has gone quite insane. several years ago he blamed all the ills of the world on the c's. not the ones that rhyme with runt but the ones that rhyme with think.

but lets forget about that piece of shit boring political race and concentrate on more important matters:

THE GREAT TURTLE RACE!!!!!

i still love you sons of bitches but i might love the turtles a little bit more for the next week or so.

IT'S HERE!!!

after a winter of discontent, the great turtle race has returned.

JOIN THE FECKIN RACE TODAY

there are few things more exciting than a turtle race. turtle is indeed the sport of thinking men. there are countless variables to consider when selecting a turtle to put you money on.

a few days ago i selected "stinger", i decided on stinger due to her other name of "dorkas." dorcas is a character in stranger in a strange land. it was searching for skeletons in dorcas' closet that i stumbled upon the quiz for stranger in a strange land. the rest is history.

turtles??

i love those sons of bitches!

where's the stranger?

it's taken forever buy i've just finished reading the uncut version of stranger in a strange land. perhaps the cut version was a bit better or i'm getting cynical in my old age but old valentine michael smith just didn't seem to be as heroic as i remembered. so it goes.

i stumbled upon a quiz for stranger in a strange land whilst conducting a little research for the upcoming great turtle race. i got 22 out of 25 and i took the quiz a few days after reading the book. i would have been lucky to get 10 if i hadn't just finished the book.

TAKE THE QUIZ

i'll be listening to this song every night for the next 3 months.

idiots and model boats

grown men playing on lakes with model boats are idiots. most of them are geriatric idiots.

as i child of the universe i have a right to hate a few things. i hate old men with model boats. let me count the ways.

1. the old pricks are allowed to drive their cars into the park to bring their feckin toys to the lake. cars aren't allowed in my favorite park but somehow the old assholes with the toy boats are allowed to drive in the park.

2. the old pricks yell at kids who touch their feckin boats. a few times a year the old assholes have a show for the kids. i've seen a few kids get chastised for touching a feckin model boat. if you put a toy in front of a kid, the kid will want to touch it.

3. this is the big one. there are turtles in the lake where the old cocksuckers play with their boats. most of the boats go slower than the turtles can swim, this is the natural order. however, there are few old pricks with gasoline powered boats that go very fast and make lots of noise. imagine a poor turtle floating near the surface with its cute little snout poking out of the water and a screaming gas powered model boat careens into the path of the turtle. a recipe for cosmic calamity.

a few years ago i confronted a model boat enthusiast over his lack of consideration for the turtles. maybe i was wee bit too aggressive but we got into heated dispute. it seems there are more model boat enthusiasts in the park than turtle enthusiasts. i was asked to leave by some asshole park official.

model boaters, i hate the sons of bitches.