a disconnect

a certain female relative of mine likes to call me and drone on and on about all her problems and how the big bad world is so mean and unjust to her. this has been going on for years and i've been a real trooper listening to all the bullshit and pretending to care. i've often told the missus that if "l" calls, tell her i'm not home. last week "l" got me on the phone and proceeded to drone on and on... after about 45 minutes i said goodbye and hung up without waiting for a response. well jesus fuck me christ, she went nuts and jumped in her car to come and confront me. she was in an extremely foul mood when i opened the door and one thing led to another and before and you knew it, we were screaming at each other. she hurled every personal insult imaginable at me and every time i responded by calling her a stupid fucking cunt, go fuck yourself, you stupid bitter old bitch.....etc etc. on the one hand i absorbed some very personal insults which caused me to reflect on my shortcomings for about a day but on the other hand, i'm pretty sure no one has ever swore at her in the way i did.

the more i thought about it, the more righteous i became in my mind. i've been wanting to tell her to fuck off for years and i'm sure she's been bitter towards me for years. i'll be happy to never see or hear from her again but i'm sure our paths will cross at family gatherings which is fine with me. i'll propose we change roles, i'll hurl the personal insults and she can respond by telling me to go fuck myself etc.

as a token of my appreciation for reading my tale of woe and giving me your unconditional positive regard i have a tv series to recommend. "the kingdom" out of denmark. it's about a hospital full of eccentric doctors and a crazy old spiritual patient. it's in danish with english subtitles but it's so good you won't even realize it's in a foreign language as you immerse yourself in the scandinavian humor.

i love you sons of bitches.

i found it!

does anyone remember the old "i found it" movement of about 35 years ago? lots of nitwits had "i found it" bumper stickers etc. by "it", they meant jesus or some other gimcrack religion. well, i found something better than religion a few days ago.

several months ago a small hand spade that we used to pick up ruby's easter eggs and do a little gardening with went missing and i was the prime suspect for having lost it. i probably did lose it so i didn't protest too much when the blame was placed squarely on my shoulders. it order to escape the wrath of the missus i went out and bought a replacement. not a dollar store plastic model but a good sturdy metal model. was i thanked for purchasing the replacement? fuck no, i was ordered to leave the tag attached to the handle so it would be more difficult to lose.:

beauty eh!

a few days ago i decided to trim some laurel hedges that were dropping some sort of berries onto the driveway. whilst trimming the offending bush i noticed something spooky in the undergrowth. my first urge was to go get a good stick and kill it but i got brave and took a closer look and jesus fuck me christ, there was the hand spade that had been lost:

it must be over 20 years old and it's still in great shape. notice the sleek pointed shape for easy digging and the nice deep groove for holding ruby's easter eggs. yes, life is good in my world.

maybe i'll take the tag off the new spade and attach it to old faithful.

i love you sons of bitches.

the middle east

so tell me, what's wrong with this photo?

here's what's wrong with in my opinion, kerry's body language! he's sitting there like a school boy in with his hands clasped on his lap sitting absolutely straight on the edge of his chair whilst the saudi is relaxed in a semi reclining position. here's kerry, the secretary of state of the most powerful nation in the world absolutely kowtowing to some fucknut in a dress who has a need to display giant portraits of himself in the background. remember 9/11? what was the administrations first act? safely evacuate the saudi royal family!

and who funded the 9/11 attacks? GUESS FUCKING WHO!!

i love you sons of bitches

god's creatures

i ran across this photo in the christian science monitor daily photos. for some funny reason i love that publication, must be the latent christian in me. but back to the photo:

Image 5 / 18 : Resident Chris Roland walks his pet turtles Cindy and Kuka up Madison Avenue in the Upper East Side of the Manhattan borough of New York. Roland has had the turtles for years and walks them daily he said.

at first i thought, what a nice guy. but after thinking about it i thought, what a prick. if he wants to take his turtles for a walk, why not take them to the park so they can walk on the nice cool grass or maybe take a dip in the lake. in addition to the sidewalk being very hot in the summer and very cold in the winter, the birds are shitting on it and the nine irons are spitting on it. i'm sure those turtles are real chick magnets and i'm not trying to be funny. i'll bet a day doesn't go by that some lovely young lady doesn't ask him about his gorgeous turtles. great gimmick.

summer's almost over and the kids around our neck of the woods are getting an extra long holiday. the teachers are OUT ON STRIKE! this thing started last spring so the kids got an early start on summer holidays and now they're getting a extra break at the end of the summer. lucky them. i don't know the exact figures but it seems half the general population love the teachers while the other half of the population think they're a bunch of over paid slackers. the only thing i know is i wouldn't want to be a teacher for all the tea in china. half the kids can't speak english for sour apples due to immigration, they've integrated "special needs children" into the classroom and every single fucking parent thinks their kid is special. so it goes.

i love you sons of bitches.

perfect ice bucket challenge

i don't know if this is on the up and up but i laughed so hard i could have passed a grilled cheese sandwich through my nose.

i love you sons of bitches.