good bye 2014

it's the last day of 2014 and time to look forward to 2015. i haven't quite nailed down my new year's resolution but i'll come up with one for sure. maybe exercise a bit more and cut down on candy...... you know, the stuff that lasts a week or two.

2015 will be a year of transition for your's truly. i just put in what may well be my last day at the cracker factory. i'll still be on the payroll for several months and have let it be known that i'd be happy to come in and work but my immediate boss basically to me to fuck off. when i was a young man i dreamed of this day, retire and party every night like it's 1999. but a funny thing happened in the intervening 35 years, i got old! around about 50 the old body started telling that warranty was over and if i continued on with my merry ways, there would be huge repair bills and maybe even a one way ticket to the here after. so it goes.

like most people i have a goal in retirement. no, i'm not going to travel, educate myself, become a better person, make amends etc. my goal is find a really cool pitbull at a shelter and begin another long beautiful friendship.

so here's to better days! 2015 will be an excellent year if we give it a chance and choose to ignore all the bullshit from the eternally pessimistic fearmongers.

l'chaim!

i love you sons of bitches!

lunchbag letdown

well, another disappointing xmas on the gift front. it seems people don't take me seriously when i tell them what i want:

the first time i saw a hitler teapot i said to myself: if that isn't nice, what is?

oh well, maybe next year.

i love you sons of bitches.

merry xmas

it's xmas eve and my glass is half empty. my glass is still half full when it comes to luck and countless other things but without ruby, the whole xmas experience is going to be painful. i have a few family obligations that have the potential for conflict. ruby was a polarizing figure, some people loved her and others didn't have a kind word to say about her. if anyone insults the memory of ruby this xmas season, i won't soon forget it. after ruby left the surface of this lovely planet i was too verklempt to pen a fitting farewell. i'm still too verklempt to sing her praises.

so merry fucking xmas. this is the first xmas in my entire life that will be observed without a four legged soul mate. and to top off the misery, no alcohol. for those that haven't followed the whole boring saga; it was dec 1 2005, that i quit drinking. the irony is that i only intended on quitting for a few weeks to get in shape for the xmas drinking season. the best laid plans of mice and men often go awry....

i hope my lack of enthusiasm for xmas isn't putting a damper on anyone else's holiday spirit. in this vein, there has been a change in xmas tunes. rather than the upbeat tune i had selected, i've decided to go with a sad little ditty regarding xmas:

merry xmas to you sons of bitches whom i love so. (i have to begin preparing for a turkey dinner that i wish i wasn't hosting.)

lucky?

is your glass half empty or half full?

i'm a half full kind of a guy but it might be dangerous to my health. last week i was hit by a car whilst riding the iron maiden. it was a pretty good collision, i traveled several feet in the air and like my previous mishaps, several thoughts flashed through my head before hitting the ground. primarily: fuck me, i gotta start wearing a helmet one of these days. it was a busy street and i got knocked into the oncoming traffic but luckily the car coming towards me had enough time to stop.

the front derailleur was all bent out of shape but the rest of the bike was fine. this is the 3rd accident i've had on the iron maiden and she sure lives up to her name. that son of bitch is indestructible. for the life of me, i can't figure out how that derailleur got all bent of shape because it's about the most protected piece of equipment on the bike. later that afternoon i went shopping and when i pulled my glasses out of the breast pocket in my jacket, one of lenses had been knocked out. ouch!

so here's the question: am i the luckiest son of bitch in the world walking away from 3 bike accidents or am i the unluckiest son of a bitch for having all these accidents. (maybe i'm just the stupidest son of bitch on the planet but i don't want to go down that road.) i can't decide the luck question but it makes me feel young, crashing bikes and walking away is a young man's game.

like my good old friend unk (malachi constant) is so fond of saying; "i was the victim of a series of accidents, as are we all.

i've made my selection for xmas carol of the year and will post it xmas eve. (if i remember)

i love you sons of bitches.

down, down, down.....

alright, who sunk their retirement fund into the russian stock market? i'm quite enjoying the FREE FALL OF THE RUSSIAN ROUBLE. it seems like yesterday that vlad was the great statesman stopping obama from bombing syria into oblivion but now the russian rouble has fallen 57% against the american dollar year to date and that has to hurt vlad. but vlad is no idiot so he probably has a great deal of his personal fortune invested abroad. vlad's not going to miss any meals but his mighty russian pride will soon need a boost. i'm sure more russian hijinx is in the cards. so it goes.

if anyone is having a hard time selecting a gift for vlad, may i suggest giving the king of russia A DOLLOP OR TWO OF BULLSHIT. the perfect give for the certain someone on everyone's list who's just so darned difficult to buy for. of course any russian giving this gift to vlad would be wise to give it anonymously. siberia is very cold this time of year.

merry fucking xmas vlad!

i love you sons of bitches.

the question

our public transportation system, like most other public transportation systems, is chronically underfunded. years ago the politicians realized that it was a no-win situation and washed their hands of the whole thing and created an new entity called translink. translink is a non-elected entity that spends money like crazy and doesn't answer to anyone. over a year ago translink announced that they needed a shit load of new money to pay for new transit initiatives and of course no one could come up with any ideas how to fund their grand dreams so they decided it to have a referendum and let the people decide how they were going to be fucked.

it took translink over a year to come up with the THE QUESTION TO BE VOTED UPON. well the question was revealed today: Do you support a 0.5 per cent increase in Provincial Sales Tax in Metro Vancouver?

no shit, it took them over a year to come up with that question. i'm sure they did a lot of polling to find the least objectionable tax that would have the greatest chance of being accepted by the voting public. we're already having the living shit taxed out of us for public transportation:

"TransLink already takes 17 cents per litre on gas, five cents per litre of the federal government’s gas tax, ever-increasing property taxes, a 21 per cent parking tax and a levy on BC Hydro bills

it ain't cheap living in the big city.

oh well, maybe a little xmas music will cheer me up. here's the second best xmas carol in the whole world.

i love you sons of bitches.

al capone's snake

i was all excited about some lunatic getting eaten by a snake but somehow i forgot all about it until (spoiler alert) I READ THIS.

"When I went up to the snake, it didn't try to eat me right away," Rosolie recounted. "It tried to escape. And when I provoked it a little bit, and acted a little more like a predator, that's when it turned around and defended itself." In the end, Rosolie wasn't swallowed whole by the giant serpent, but instead wrestled with the beast as she coiled around him before he aborted the mission.

AND IT'S NICE TO KNOW THAT THERE ARE 4.1 MILLION PEOPLE DUMBER THAN ME.

well, you gotta give the guy credit, not many people could convince a tv network to schedule a prime time event showing a crazy man being eaten alive by a great big snake. i guess all us fools should have read the fine print before getting excited. who knew he was going to have to catch a snake then convince it to eat him. i was thinking they had caught a giant snake a few months ago and were depriving it of food so it would be real hungry and gobble up our intrepid daredevil. so it goes.

last year my xmas gimmick was naming the best christmas carol and if i remember correctly the winner was:

is it kosher to have the same gimmick 2 years in a row?

on or about dec 25, i'll name the 4th best xmas carol.

there are few songs that never fail to pick up my spirits. this might be at the top of the list:

i love you sons of bitches.

farewell sweet princess

ruby left her corporeal shell a few weeks ago and took her rightful place in valhalla. she had a very good run on this planet and i have been very verklempt since she left.

she was a true beast in her prime and a magnificent beast at that.

farewell sweet princess, you protected us for over 12 years and for that i'm very thankful.

i love you sons of bitches.