i decided to call my dear friend eliot and offer my help. as usual he was very compassionate to my problems and suggested that i open a branch office of his foundation in vancouver. it sounded like a good idea and i jumped at the chance.
if you need help, give me a call. (but don't call me on the red telephone)
behold the tools of my new endeavor:
i like to give my client a cup of tea to soothe their nerves.
i keep a meager data base on my clients so i needed mouse pads.
i'd be lost without post-it notes.
i like to give my clients a pen.
and of course i needed business cards.
it's always nice to have a eco friendly bag to carry your stuff in.
a rubber stamp can always come in handy.
and kids always like a t-shirt
if you need spiritual guidance or just a shoulder to cry on, i'm here for you and dont forget, i love you sons of bitches.
(the lovely mrs myshkin wasn't impressed when my stuff arrived but the kids are proud as punch of their old dad)
72 comments:
Cool bunch of stuff. I looked up the organization and see the guy is a Conservative Quaker (as opposed to my own liberal, nontheistic Quakerism). Interesting.
secret - i'm not affiliated with that quaker dude. he's never put a fire out in his life and doesn't have the second loudest fire alarm in the western hemisphere.
Get pissed at me and I'm not going to help you, it's just that fucking simple.
i'll take that as an apology ;)
Don't you need a uniform as well, like the Salvation Army?
thimscool said,
".....It saddens me that he's not savvy enough to deal with Leslie's net and trident....."
To which leslie responded,
"....Net and trident? Dread and suffering? Thimscool, did you just call me Poseidon? Me likey!....."
He is calling you a 'Retiarius'. Due to your lack of armour(intellect) and your reliance on evasive tactics(cowardice).
Antiquity considered the retiarius the lowliest (and most effeminate) of an already stigmatised class. The subtype 'retiarii scorpiocati' were not viewed as legitimate fighters at all, but as arena clowns.
billy pilgrim said,
".....and doesn't have the second loudest fire alarm in the western hemisphere......"
Who has the loudest?
Perhaps you should change your name to Aquarians Love to Loot Wikipedia.
And your feet look like malnourished opossums.
The similarities between my dross and that of the Wikipaedia atrocity is pure serendipitous academic convergence.
Granted, it does save time in my marsupial pixellational endeavours.
Would those be New World opossums or Old World opossums?
Dearest ALTF,
You ignorant Thalidomide Stump Sucker, there are no Old World opossums!
There are New World opossums and Old World possums - no 'o' prefix. And by Old World, the taxonomists mean Australia and Papua - hardly Old World.
And I think your feet look like under-nourished monotremes myself.
Nice backslide. The trident was headed your way.
I was picturing the roadkill variety. Flat and riddled with parasites, with a few random hairs blowing in the breeze.
Brunch tomorrow! Just you wait!
To the Two-headed one,
Rilly?(1)
You'd think I would have garnered that little titbit during my looting.
(1) I use an artful transliteration of the tri-syllabic word 'really' to better approxiamate the way you unlettered North Americans pronounce it.
Dearest leslie,
Parasites do not prey upon road-kill - they are, by definition, a plague on the living. Perhaps you meant some carrion-eating necrophagous species - like BBC?
Blowing in the breeze?
Or being blown by Brees?
gb - i could have ordered some ball caps but i already have a mountain of the feckin things.
aquarians - eliot has kept the loudest alarm for himself. it's powered by world war 3 aircraft engine.
sterc - thanks for straightening aquarians out. she's way too smart for me to attempt that.
billy pilgrim said,
".....sterc - thanks for straightening aquarians out. she's way too smart for me to attempt that....."
Well you saucy devil! I bet you say that to all the girls.
If not, thank you.
Pay him no mind, billy. He's just jealous of my youth, vigour and my taste in clothing and canapés and amuse bouches.
I have pictures of ALTF's feet if you'd like to see them. A "smart" girl could find her way to a nail salon and wax center, no?
I am glad you are being so compassionate to your fellow man. I am sure I will require your services some day but today has been OK, but I do certainly appreciate the offer. Take care, BP, and good luck with your new endeavor. =)
I have to keep reminding myself that I should stop trying to communicate with idiots.
You people are just fucking around, you don't take anything serious.
God bless Eliot Rosewater! I love the stuff, it is a wonderful trove. I think helping Eliot and opening up a branch is a grand idea.
There are a large number of volunteer fire departments here. I should photograph them for my collection.
Pearls Before Swine.
Please say hello to Eliot for me.
BBC said,
".....You people are just fucking around, you don't take anything serious......"
Many of us take the Queen's English very seriously. Unlike, it would seem, you.
leslie said,
"......I have pictures of ALTF's feet if you'd like to see them....."
As our friend, Arthur Wellesley, Duke of Wellington would say, "Publish and be damned".
And a truly "smart" girl would avoid any establishment that spells the word 'Centre', 'Center'.
I'm gonna go out on a limb here - and not a MacLaine-ian one either(in case you were wondering, leslie) - but is this blog rife with Kurt Vonnegut advertence, or what?
That's nice of you Billy.
Nobody gives anything away around here.
If someone gave me a cup of tea
and a free ink pen they would have earned my good will for quite some time.
If the tea had special herbal, medicinal qualities and the pen's ink was glow in the dark, I'd be their friend forever.
".....If the tea had special herbal, medicinal qualities and the pen's ink was glow in the dark, I'd be their friend forever......"
We can only hope that the 'medicinal qualities' of the tea included sufficient quantities of Potassium Iodide (KI) to help counter the electromagnetic radiation inherent in any 'glow-in-the-dark' inks.(These phosphorescent re-emissions are associated with "forbidden" energy state transitions in quantum mechanics by the way.) Otherwise, your 'forever friendship' will not be of any temporal significance.
leslie said, on June 15, 2012 at 8:29 AM,
".....Brunch tomorrow! Just you wait!...."
Well?
It's tomorrow!
We're waiting.
Goddess bless you.
bbc - there's no idiots here. we're all building rockets in our basements.
mr shife - things are going well in the new venture except some sleazy little lawyer keeps asking me a lot of personal questions about eliot.
aquarians - whilst listening to ronnie hawkins and robbie roberson doing "who do you love" i couldn't help but wondering if the grammatically correct title might be "whom do you love" any thoughts?
tex - we aim to please. i've found that put herbs in tea doesn't maximize the effect. a little mist in the lungs is the way to go.
silly rabbit beat me to it, but I'll repeat: God Bless you, Mr. Rosewater.
And Norman Mushari can go suck opposums.
billy pilgrim said, sort of,
".....whilst listening to ronnie hawkins and robbie robertson....."
Do I have any thoughts?
Mr. Hawkins is a Yankee Draft Dodger(1) - and long before they even had a draft - so he's a cunt. And Mr. Robertson should be taken somewhere down the crazy river and shot - 'cause he's a cunt and a half.
To be grammatically correct, this song title should be written "Whom Do You Love"
(1) By 'Draft Dodger' I might mean: 'Escaping the Elvis juggernaut'.
Pfft.....
shaw - in norman's defense, fred rosewater seemed to be a very nice man whose family was shafted by eliots side of the family.
aquarians - i think i've watched the last waltz about 100 times and have never had a negative thought about ronnie but occasionally robbie gets on my nerves. (but it might have been the all the coke he was doing)
Happy Fathers Day!
thanks thims - did your kids give you a bunch of mercury dimes?
No... only Atticus would value it and he'd be frustrated that he couldn't turn it into $2.1 worth of lego bricks. Rosemary would lose it and Cedar would eat it...
I just got a 2hr nap, which is the best gift of all.
Oh... hadn't woken up yet. No they gave me a kabar fighting utility knife and a case of low recoil 00 buck.
They're so thoughtful!
Happy Fathers Day!
thimscool?
Are you a numismatist? You know, Mercury Dimes and all.
BBC said,
".....Pfft..... ....."
Say what you will about the old codger, but the cunt sure can turn a laconic phrase.
No... just want some chips to trade for necessaries after they kick the skids on the dollar and let it sink to the levels appropriate for a dying empire.
Pilgrim here is a numismatist, fo sho.
What makes you think silver will have any value?
I should think the Ka-Bar and the 00 would be of more use when the End of Days arrives.
I think the current melt-value of non-numismatically valuable Liberty dimes is about US $2.
The Canadian Silver Dollar is at CDN $20, at melt.
My tutor's collection of "The Twelve Caesars in Silver" (Denarii) is worth a tad more than melt.
What makes you think silver will have any value?
It's recognizable (especially in junk silver form), reasonably durable, and not so valuable that it cannot be practically used as currency, but valuable enough that one man can easily carry (and conceal) enough to feed his family for a month, should he find a trading partner.
Value is unlikely to fall much because silver has industrial uses, is at an historic low compared to gold, and unless the situation is utterly hopeless, folks will need a medium of exchange. In the area where I reside, "junk silver"* is likely to fit the bill.
* 90% silver dimes, quarters, halves, and dollars minted during or before 1964.
This would be nicer.
".....should he find a trading partner....."
This is my point - the availability of trading partners.
At the End of Days, water, or a Twinkie, will get you through times of no silver better than silver will get you through times of no water, or Twinkies.
Water will buy silver, but will silver buy water?
Like I said, I do not anticipate that the situation will be entirely hopeless.
But of course I've made provisions for food and water too. But at the point that simple trade and community cannot be established, I wonder if it would be worth living.
The problem of course is shelf life. Who knows how much longer TPTB can keep kicking the can down the road and avoiding the collapse?
Europe is shitting the bed with austerity, and their less courageous investors will buy T-bills in the hope of avoiding the worst.
And of course the Chinese have to buy T-bills with all of their excess savings, because there just isn't enough domestic consumption for them to spend their Walmart dollars. They can do things like pay Canada for expensive, shitty oil, as well as the responsibility of dealing with any spills off the coast of our host. Or buy Venezuelan oil and build the special refineries that are required to make it useful... but really that just doesn't cover the trade deficit because they won't float their dam currency.
So it looks like the dollar will continue to buoy on its default status until the world is so hopelessly fucked that the only option is to kill Yankees. In the mean time, we enjoy the spoils and prepare for war.
Sheesh!
Yins is a real ray of sunshine today thimscool.
You, leslie and BBC, the harbingers of despondency and despair!
The Triad of Tribulation.
".....until the world is so hopelessly fucked that the only option is to kill Yankees...."
The only option?
You speak as if this 'killing of the Yankee' is a regrettable option to be avoided unless absolutely necessary.
Some would beg to differ
Can all options heretofore deemed not useful include the deaths of Yankees too? You know, all options available for a solution involve Yankee deaths, not just the 'only' one to which you refer. It'd make me feel better anyway.
Sadly war is inevitable, so you will probably get your wish.
The only thing that might save us Yanks is if another boogieman arrives to distract the world from our prior exploits.
".....if another boogieman arrives to distract the world....."
They are here and they are Legion!
Then again, we're due for another one of these World-Wide diversions.
Awesome. How do we bring one of those down on Beijing?
Don't you be blaming the Dragon, Caucasoid Boy. The Dragon only grows stronger because the Yankee 1% feeds it the wealth and jobs once reserved for the Yankee 99%.
As Pogo responds to Porky, "YEP, SON, WE HAVE MET THE ENEMY AND HE IS US."
I don't blame them... but I do worry about the consequences of empowering a bunch of amoral xenophobes with chip-laden shoulders and a propensity to view life as expendable.
If you worry about the consequences of the eventual replacement of your xenophobic culture with that of the Asian xenophobic culture, learn Mandarin!
Nothin' cuter than a 'Gwy-Lo' who mangles Mandarin. You're sure to survive - even longer, if you agree to render yourself a eunuch.
Lesson One:
"Kowtow" [kou-tou, -tou, koh-]
Verb (used without object);
"To touch one's head to the ground in deference to your new Chinese Overlords."
The trouble with Tribuls(1)- Card-carrying and charter members of the Triad of Tribulation - is you inhabit the rarefied air of the vile Angloshere.
We displaced, polyglot Asians are culturally attuned and sensitive to various creeds. As far as xenophobic bigots go, we're among the best.
(1) Oh dear! A homophonic Star Wars reference. I'm so ashamed.
Why don't you two wannabe titlickers get a room?
And more importantly...
"NFL light on evidence in Saints Bounty Case"-USA TODAY
'titlickers'???!?
I cannot answer for thimscool, but I for one do not lick passerine birds of the Family Paridae. Though I had a cat once who enjoyed ripping their heads off.
thimscool?
What of you?
Kindly DO NOT lump me in with those two. I am an existential nihilist. They are ammo-hoarding breeders.
"Leslie light on intellect in Saints Bounty Case concern"-USA TOMORROW
Existential Nihilist?
You wouldn't know EN if something, anything, of no intrinsic meaning or value whatsoever, which is everything, jumped up and bit your tribulating arse.
"ALTF Light on Estrogen and Possibly in the Loafers"-USA YOU WISH
Perhaps. And who cares. We're all going to die. Sooner the better. At least my feet ain't furry.
Have you not noticed the handy REPLY option after every comment? Help keep a thread tidy, would you?
REPLY option?
Not on my screen.
I'm in Chrome.
"ALTF Light on Estrogen and Possibly in the Loafers"-USA YOU WISH
I do not sashay.
Though I do love Hush Puppies.
At least my chemical pathways convert what little androgen I possess fully into oestrogen. Unlike you and the Triad, where your androgens remain pristine.
Is your Chrome well polished?
Wait... titlickers? Did BBC hijack Leslie's account?
Oh great. Now we're going to have to hear about BBC navigating his big rig all the way from Salt Lake City to Provo. Take it from me, truckers are predatory creeps, at least south of the Mason-Dixon. Something about a redhead holding a gas nozzle and a Pomeranian sends them into a slobbering tizzy. I have altered my driving hours on the trip to New Orleans just to avoid their late night prowling.
wow, i learned a lot reading these comments. i can't wait for the markets to open tomorrow morning so i can use this knowledge to increase my wealth.
and i'm very happy that our prime minister was getting into a pissing contest with some euro trash today.
Are you going to set up shop as a chrome shiner?
i seem to remember a few existential nihilists in the big lebowski but don't think they were an integral part of the omelet.
i'm in the dark about polishing chrome and will probably stay that way.
Pfft...
Will have to look into this Rosewater Foundation...
How much did you have to cough up for all that bling?
galt - i bought it on line with a promo code that sonny found and got it all for about 10 bucks.
if only i could have got a volunteer fireman's hat.
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