i've offered to help a few folks with their personal demons but so far they've been reluctant to advantage of my expertise. so for all those smokers out there that lack the self discipline to kick the habit let me present the latest in canadian anti smoking technology:
there is also a job opening for "king" of this blog, the current king has abdicated. if you are interested in the position, drop me a line.
i love you sons of bitches.
54 comments:
"......but so far they've been reluctant to (take?) advantage of my expertise......"
We are reluctant for very good reason. We fear your decidedly Judeo-Christian exorcism procedures. All the blood-letting and enemas are just too much for our Puritan sensibilities.
You understand.
this is no 12 step gimcrack religious deal. it's a 1 step fix everything deal.
I once took care of a lady who thought she had all sort of demon...She finely drove me nuts and I walk out.
Mmmm...maybe someday I'll blog about my thought on demon but don't hold your breath on it.
Coffee is on.
Fucking hail.
call my mama!
That crazy goddamn ho's always tryin' embarrass me.
wait'll I git home....
Mrs. Shife ran across this video the other night and we both got a good chuckle out of it. Pretty funny stuff. Hopefully you can find a new king soon. =) I have a feeling the old one might return unless he has been personally banished by you. Take care BP.
the old king is a very sensitive and fragile man when he's not being a total prick. he's welcome to come back so i'll fill in a chancellor until he shits or gets off the pot.
harry would make an excellent king, i hope he's considering the position.
Just received from the fay Leslie:
"Times are not good here. The city is crumbling into ashes. It has been buried under a lava flood of taxes and frauds and maladministrations so that it has become only a study for archaeologists. Its condition is so bad that when I write about it, as I intend to do soon, nobody will believe I am telling the truth. But it is better to live here in sackcloth and ashes, than to own the whole states of Ohio, Massachusetts and New York combined."
She indeed has personal daemons that require exorcising.
And by 'here', dearest Leslie is, of course, referring to New Orleans, The (True) Nation-State of Surreality, U.S. Outlying Islands.
504ever!
Fuckers!
SONG OF AN AMERICAN SAILOR
Now stop that crying, honey dear,
The Jackson Square remains still here
In sunny New Orleans,
in lovely Louisina.
She thinks me buried in the sea,
No longer does she wait for me
In sunny New Orleans,
In lovely Louisina
The death ship it is I am in,
All I have lost, nothing to win
So far off sunny New Orleans,
So far off lovely Louisina.
By B. Traven
I'll be your fucking king and I won't act like a fucking pussy when the bitches are on the rag.
Carry fucking on.
The fucking view is fucking vile
For fucking miles and fucking miles
The fucking babies fucking cry
The fucking flowers fucking die
The fucking food is fucking muck
The fucking drains are fucking fucked
The colour scheme is fucking brown
Everywhere in NOLA town
Inscription
over the crew's quarters
of the death ship
He
Who enters here
Will no longer have existence;
His name and soul have vanished
And are gone forever.
Of him there is not left a breath
In all the vast world.
He can never return,
Nor can he ever go onward;
For where he stands there he must stay.
No God knows him;
And unknown will he be in hell.
He is not day; he is not night
He is Nothing and Never.
He is too great for infinity,
Too small for a grain of sand,
Which, however small,
Has its place in the universe.
He is what has never been
And never thought.
Assume the posture of respect and bow to your king. Nuclear missiles will obliterate Louisina on my whim.
king willy, if that isn't nice, what is?
you've got an easy act to follow.
SONG OF A CANADIAN MAILER
Oh Conned and dumb
Our home IS native land
Blue proletariat love in all that guns demand
With Boeing parts we see debt rise,
The Screwed Nord strange not free
From candy bars eyed, Oh Conned and Dumb, we shag on Mars for tea
God freeped and tanned, notoriously smelling of Brié
Oh Conned and Dumb, we shag on Mars for tea
OH Conned AND Dumb, we shag on Mars for tea!
pepper - that's pretty good. way better than the aquarians recent efforts.
i'm still trying to figure out harry's poem.
Harry means that I am above infinity and you mortals.
*poof*
billy pilgrim taunted,
"......pepper - that's pretty good. way better than the aquarians recent efforts......"
Fuck off.
You have no taste - or intellect.
Dearest Ms/Mr. Coleman,
".....shag on Mars for tea....."?
Your perception of Canadian realities is marred by some lamentable conceptual confusions. Clarity of thought is a virtue from which we can all benefit.
I say this takes the tea biscuit for a bien-pensant pseudo-Britishcritter to offer to entertain any of 'their' colonial cousins.
And 'freeping'?
Dear oh dear. It just goes to show the utter folly of teaching Bluenosers to read and write.
above infinity?
wow, you have a complex mind.
i'm guessing the aquarian and omar already know all about this but it makes me kinda like the mayor.
MAYOR FORD DRUNK
Please, pilgrim, do not include me in that cream of cunts who consider political discussion to be worthy of anything other than being avoided.
All I know of this Ford "ugchub" is that he is ugly and fat and considered "Right Wing" in his philosophies.
As far as I am concerned, everyone in Canada is a god-damned Librul - yins are all "Left Wing".
I mean, for fecking hell's sake, y'all have democracy, how liberal is that?
it's not political, it's a human interest story.
have you no compassion for a man who has dedicated his life to public service?
It would seem not.
Just seeing how the search for the new king is going.
mr shife - you would make an excellent king!
i'd be happy to pull the plug on that little north korean rat bastard willy cook.
If you can win at this game, you can be king and have Leslie any which way but loose.
http://www.eyegas.com/attackofthesprouts/
If you even score 'one' on this game, you can't be king, but you still get Leslie any which way but loose.
http://www.etymologic.com/index.cgi
The thing I like about sprouts is that one can peel away most of the sprout and it's still a sprout. A bit like infinity, really.
The Tutor's childhood hero "The Abominable Dr Phibes" (Vincent Price) drips sprout juice onto the face of a nurse and then pipes some locusts into the room. The locusts evidently have a violent addiction to sprout juice with meat because, by the time they've finished, only her skull is left.
Moral: Even sprouts have their uses, and can even be fun if deployed with appropriate insect species.
http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/1455/736/1600/I%20Passed%20For%20White%20%281960%29.jpg
It's always the blonds
Innit?
Nice nipple though.
Bitch.
that address is more trouble than it's worth.
if bbc can make a link, why can't you?
BBC doesn't give a fuck cuz he doesn't look at bitches links.
*poof*
I was temped at the mention of a nipple but if you can't get it in your mouth there is no point in it.
excellent point ex-regent.
your loyal subjects pine for your return.
Yesterday I happened upon the cutest little band of street urchins busking in the French Quarter.
I can't hyperlink because JetBlue zapped my phone and my laptop is mysteriously MIA.
www.yesmaamtheband.com
Yes, they need baths, but they were really, really good.
billy pilgrim, with typical coruscating invective, intoned,
".......that address is more trouble than it's worth........"
You noticed that.
Good for you.
invectives r us.
scares the shit out of frump.
billy pilgrim admitted,
".......invectives r us.
scares the shit out of frump......."
Nyuck!
First the "Asteroid and Israel" bit and now this.
You're spoiling me.
And yet BBC and his presence there doesn't, go figure?
It seems the Rolling Stones are to play Glastonbury this summer. When are those old bastards gonna die already?
If they'd get back to making new records they could play live gigs until the end of time as far as I'm concerned. But taking the stage at Glastonbury, playing all their golden oldies, makes them a nostalgia act. Their last full length collaboration was the better part of a decade ago, so yeah, die already.
The summer of '78! It was the best of times, it was the blurst of times.
i'm just starting to learn about some of the younger musicians since discovering cbc net radio. it's time for oldsters like me to let go of the stones and other relics.
U2 and bono seem to be following mick and stones money making formula. no decent new music but make a fortune touring and selling knick knacks to the rubes.
I saw the Stones in '97 at Owen Stadium Norman, Ok
They kicked ass.
No regrets for the high ticket price, plus I scalped one, so I came out alright.
Dearest Pepper Coleman,
Firstly you neologise 'freeped' on March 25, and now foist 'blurst' upon us on March 29?
I am reasonably certain you possess a working vocabulary of at least 15 to 20 thousand words and a recognition vocabulary of triple that. The English language, according to the OED, possesses 750 thousand words; could we refrain from celating superfluous neologisms until we learned all the extant words?
I used 'neologise'!
Get it?
Nyuck.
And 'celating' ought to fuck y'all up real good too.
Speaking of "the blurst of times", I reckon this would be an apropos time to introduce you cretinous cretins to the newly contrived and soon-to-be-famous "ALT-F Corollary" of the Infinite Monkey Theorem.
"The infinite monkey theorem states that a monkey hitting keys at random on a typewriter keyboard for an infinite amount of time will almost surely type a given text, such as the complete works of William Shakespeare."
- Wikipedia.
The ALT-F Corollary?
Not only would this metaphoric monkey produce the complete works of Shakespeare, but would bring to fruition every book ever written as well. And, and here's the kicker, this same monkey would also beget every book that ever could be written too!
Now is that fucking profound or what?
Speaking of an apropos time for an introduction, allow me to introduce you to episode 15, season 4 of the Simpson's from 20 years ago. Jesus! Blurst me from behind with an aged RCA remote! You do own a television, do you not??
According to Wikipedia, "The Simpsons" Season 4 was 'aired' on the Fox network between September 24, 1992 and May 13, 1993. Episode 15, "I Love Lisa" aired February 11, 1993.
Unfortunately, that evening I was worming the dog, and alas, missed this significant television event.
I'm not sure I'll ever recover from this lapse in judgement either. You know, being totally ignorant of Pop Culture references is social suicide.
Like for instance, modern pop-culturally-attuned-folk will riposte with "Whatevs" when entrapped defending a losing position when arguing with me. And when I am trapped, albeit a rare occurrence, all I can manage is "Pedicabo ego vos et irrumabo" as a retort.
I am bitter and ashamed.
And it's "Simpsons", not unlike Finnegans as in "Finnegans Wake", NOT the genitive case.
Good one on the "RCA Remote" though - horrid thing that was.
Then of course the summer of '79 came along and this guy waltzes into my life. Outta the fry pan and into the fire! By autumn I would call a small one bedroom flat off Shillington Ave in west end Ottawa home. Sweet sixteen in leather boots!
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