update

I received a note from my father today. I'm pretty sure he would like me to share it with the sons of bitches he loves:

hello sonny, que pasa?

i was going to write sooner but eliot says i’m a wonderful person and i shouldn’t worry too much about how much other people are worrying about me. i don’t know if i can take the pressure of being a wonderful person, i’ve never faced this challenge before. it’s a lot easier being an asshole than being a wonderful person but i really don’t want to let eliot down. i’d do anything for eliot.

i don’t know how long i’ve been here because it’s hard to tell if i’m really here or just daydreaming again. this isn’t the best daydream i’ve ever had but i’m sure it’s not the worst daydream i’ve ever had either. so far your mother hasn’t shown up in any of my dreams and eliot says that’s a good thing and to call him tout de suite if she shows up. i always thought it was “toot sweet” but eliot’s right hand man, quite possibly the best writer on the planet, says tout de suite is way better because it makes people think you are real adroit. i don’t have the heart to tell him that being wonderful is pressure enough and i’m no where near ready to be adroit.

eliot has put me on fly patrol. his office has lots of flies and those little rat bastards are having the time of their lives feasting on the leftover pizza and hungry man meals. when i do my job correctly, the time of their lives is very short , very short indeed. eliot has taught me the two best ways to kill flies; the cleanest way to catch and kill a fly is to get a glass of soapy water and get the fly from below. wait for the fly to land on the ceiling and then place the glass of soapy water under the fly and watch it fly directly down into the soapy water. the second way is to use an elastic band as a weapon; pull the elastic band back, take aim and release. you have to sneak up on the fly and get real close but that's easier said than done. the down side of this method is it can leave a real mess on the walls. eliot’s walls need a real good scrubbing.

the bad news is i’ve almost ran out of fish and eliot becomes totally fixated on some guy named trout every time i say fish. the big rule around here is “god damn it, you’ve got to be kind” and i find it a lot easier to be kind after a little fishing trip. there’s another rule about not screwing around with the red phone but i can handle that one without any fish, my kingdom for a bag of fish.

the darkness was beginning to lift but suddenly i’m right back where i started. when you have a faulty electrical system things can turn on a dime. hello darkness my old friend.

say hi to ruby for me.

love, dad.

At first I thought this was just another one of my father's pranks, but I am now concerned.