fuck me, it's friday evening and i'm sitting all alone again. i should be out carousing and having the time of my life but i don't have any energy or enthusiasm for the things that used to excite me. i can't put my finger on the problem because i'm having so much trouble concentrating these days. i can't ask my poor wife for help because she's really tired of me being so irritable and withdrawn. sometimes i feel as though there is no hope for me. i just want to crawl into bed and pull the covers over my head but it's summer and it's too fucking hot.
it's just not fair. i've accomplished everything i ever dreamed of when i was younger but i'm unable to enjoy the past successes or find any new interests to build upon. a few people have suggested that i seek medical help but that's something for people with no education or skills to rely upon. i've always been a respected member of society and can't stand the thought of my colleagues detecting any weakness or defect in my character. goddamn it, i'm billy pilgrim and i'm stronger than this!
there was time when i used capital letters in my writing but now i have no pride in my writing or for that matter i have no pride in my appearance. i no longer bother trimming the beard that i was once very proud of and no longer see the point in ironing my shirts. i am quite confident that the rosewater foundation could be of help but i'm afraid of failure. the rosewater foundation is the only light i can see at the end of the long dark tunnel i'm currently stuck in but if i seek help from eliot and am still unable to escape this funk, then there will truly be no hope for me so i'll not seek eliot's help at this time. a man always needs a back-up plan in case of emergency and eliot is my plan b.
perhaps this is all a pile of rotting chicken shit ruminating in declining brain. perhaps i'm really not an important part of the universe and perhaps i've over estimated my importance for decades and only now can i face that fact that i'm not special, just a lonely old man with an inflated ego.
livia soprano seems to have it all figured out. so if anyone is reading this who has experienced similar feelings the following clip should help. if you're too down in the dumps to watch the whole thing, pick it up at the 2 minute mark. that's where she hits the nail on the head.
i love you sons of bitches, i just wish i could love myself.
57 comments:
"perhaps this is all a pile of rotting chicken shit ruminating in declining brain. perhaps i'm really not an important part of the universe and perhaps i've over estimated my importance for decades and only now can i face that fact that i'm not special, just a lonely old man with an inflated ego."
Apparently an inflated ego without a fucking gun so I'm one up on you.
Jeebus! Broonz sweep Penguins first time in 34 years. I can almost believe in Stanley again.
Tuuka allowed 2 goals in four games. He stopped 158 out of a 160 shots over the series.
The Bruins and Hawks will be a great series.
We're off to the Gaaahdin to see the fans and celebrate.
PS. regarding your post: it's sad. very sad. but i haven't been happy since Christmas when I was 5 and Santa didn't give me the pony I asked for. I get that would have been difficult, since we lived on the 3rd floor of an apartment building, and we had no back yard to keep "Somkey the Hors." (That's the name I chose for the horse if Santa had given him to me. I was too dumb at 5 years old to know the correct spelling for "Smokey the Horse.")
I think you are special, BP. Hang in there buddy. I hope this is just a passing fad and nothing too serious. It is all a big nothing but until we go off into the nothingness I think we should have some fun. Hope you can join me. Take care of yourself.
Isn't it worth getting a medical evaluation just to check whether you're suffering from some kind of chemical deficiency that could easy be cured?
Jaysus!
Where do I send my cheque, pilgrim?
Your satire is exquisite!
Even BBC(real) is fucking funny!
My entire world view has be upset!
It's Prom time in the Valley. We are fielding requests for corsages for the Bovine Bettys who grace this part of the planet.
Is it just me, or are high school students getting fatter and uglier as the years progress?
Anyway, here's a recent conversation:
Customer: "I would like a coral coloured rose in my wristlet"
We do not have a coral coloured rose in stock, but we have lots of neutral white roses, so I responded:
Me: "You do know that in the "Bandanna Code" of the Gay Leather Subculture, the colour coral indicates the wearer is a foot fetishist? Are you sure you want coral? I think white would be a better match for your dress."
Customer: "Okay, I guess you're right."
Nyuck the nyuck-fuck!
I get it. I feel almost the same except I've accomplished few of dreams. Sensing something else, my doc checked my testosterone level; it was near zero again. Years ago I felt the same and took a few shots which put me back near an emotional norm, I quit the shots. For ten years or so I was good, then prostate cancer got me. So the debate now, since the cancer is gone, is can I safely get some T. I hope so because it makes me feel like living. Without it, I could just as soon curl up into a big ball and die.
" Jesus Christ, hehehe! You fooled 'em Chief! You fooled 'em! You fooled 'em all! Goddamn!"
Randle Patrick McMurphy
"......there was time when i used capital letters in my writing but now i have no pride in my writing......"
"......i love you sons of bitches, i just wish i could love myself......."
At 2:12 PM on February 1, 2013 you pixellated in the comments section of your post entitled: "Big Bang" (February 1, 2013):
"aquarian - if you think this is clever, wait until you read the post i have planned for june 17."
Is this it?
Ten days early?
I can't stop laughing! I had to leave the flower store - Management said I was "disturbing" the customers - and "take a walk" to the Ottawa river and throw rocks at Quebec for a spell.
It didn't help.
I hate you pilgrim!
You'll pay for this, and dearly so!
I miss the homoerotic undertones present in Frump's best work.
Where is the wet beard? The cucumber? The constant pipe to mouth action?
Life is just your turn on the Merry-go-round.
for those expressing sympathy and encouragement, i thank you from the bottom of my heart.
for those mocking my condition, perhaps i deserve it.
send my pennies to mike duffy.
billy pilgrim acquiesced,
"......for those mocking my condition, perhaps i deserve it......"
If not deserved, certainly opportune. And you can dispense with the word, "perhaps" in that morose declarative, you're fooling no one!
Wait!
You are!
Innit?
Mike Duffy is an obese fuck who should have carked it long ago. He'll receive nowt from me.
I'll believe it when your listless body is filled with hateful rage as it shudders from sobbing. Until then? No sympathy, poseur!
Crap all this morning the hubby of mine been a complaining mode...hell!!! I'm really starting to think all or should I say a good percentage,men...there star and planets are just plain screwed up.
I was going to say coffee is on...Roll a joint for the Mrs and set six pack down be side her.
You mean if physical fits of hateful rage and incessant sobs wracked his heretofore osteoporotic frame as he pondered his deep despondency, you'd be sympathetic?
Cruel, cruel, heartless woman!
Omar~
Under the moonlight, the serious moonlight, Bowie's selling Kia sedans.
Let's dance?
You are not impossible to ignore.
Aw, c'mon. That was one of our finest spats! Violent Femmes and Wendy's....?
Rock & Roll never forgets.
And I think I won. (If not, I do now.)
:-)
Kias, though.........sheesh! At least The Stones bent over for Mercedes.
Damn, Pilgrim, you're a fecking literary genius... didn't fool me though:)
Damn, Pilgrim, you're a fecking literary genius... didn't fool me though:)
Omar declared,
"......You are not impossible to ignore....."
Nyuck!
Still, it is a frightfully toilsome and tiresome slog.
Innit?
Leslie erred,
"....Rock & Roll never forgets......"
Unless it's 60s Rock & Roll, 'cause if you do remember it, you weren't really there, now were you?
"Rock & Roll Never Forgets" is a Bob Seger song. Omar's favorite. So butt out, you.
Fuck off!
The Gashlycrumb Tinies
A is for ALT-F who fell down the stairs
B is for Billy assaulted by bears
F is for Frumpy waylaid by a stunt
L is for Leslie well kicked in her cunt
O is for Omar was swept out to sea
P is for pilgrim who died of ennui
I've just read that David Bowie's net worth is 215 million, so I'm puzzled by why he'd license a song to Kia. Commercials aren't paying what they used to. No way he got more than $100,000.
Perhaps he gave up approval rights when he used his intellectual property as collateral for Bowie Bonds? Or, in the recent absence of any big album sales, perhaps folks were due a payday?
I'll get back to you on this, Omar. It was bad enough when Iggy turned himself into Julie the Cruise Director.
KIA is a subsidiary of Hyundai.
Hyundai is a South Korean enterprise.
South Koreans are Asians.
The Chinese are also Asians.
China Girl
I am conversing with Omar!
Omar was washed out to sea!
Can't you fucking read?
Dear XXXX XXXX,
Please excuse this intrusion into your life, both personal and professional, but I have been asked to arrange an assignation between my dear friend, Leslie and one Mr. Anthony Bourdain. Though many consider the fair Leslie as “Not impossible to ignore”, I do not have such fortitude.
Please find below a verbatim transcript of a most recent email exchange between yours truly and the not-at-all-stalker-esque Leslie. Leslie’s mellifluous verbal poison is rendered in Red: to reflect the flaming crimson of her ardor. Mine, in Black: to reflect the despair deep in my soul for having met her.
To wit:
Leslie writes:
Why don't you be a love and email Bourdain's agent and set up him taking me to dinner for my birthday. Don't mention my food allergies and potential for needing an emergency traecheotomy (too lazy to check spelling).
I respond:
Too lazy indeed!
Too lazy to formulate a decent sentence too, it would seem.
".....email Bourdain's agent and set up him taking me to dinner...."
Are you mad?
Your allergies and the probability of getting to perform a Bic-pen tracheostomy on you would clinch a dinner invite for sure!
And he'd film it and get it in his show somehow too!
Great television!
I can just see him incising your throat with that dull knife he used to ‘hack’ off the heads of those scrawny chickens on that boat in The Congo. And then, relaxing with a beer, he reminisces about doing acid, shitting ant heads and practising tracheostomies on his buddies in his dorm room. Meanwhile your colour slowly comes back and you "whistle" riffs from “The End” by the Doors through that not-very-acoustically endowed shank.
Mr. Bourdain, if he is anything, he is badass!
Though I am a little disappointed he did not sample some Lowland Gorilla during his “Heart of Darkness” episode, at least not on camera (The confiscated footage?). Surely endangered Gorilla would have been available at one of the “Street Meat” BBQ kiosks one finds all over The Congo. I mean those poor folks work-up a mighty big hunger diggin’ all that coltan for those White Western snotters - as they alternately curse, and then praise, The Belgians and the memory of Sese Seko – they’ll need sustenance. That reminds me of that terrible week in August/September ’97 when we, the World, lost forever, “The Good,The Bad And The Ugly” (Lady Di, Mother Teresa and Mobutu. Not necessarily in that order).
What is the manager's email?
Leslie replied:
You're rght. And him stabbing me in the throat would be hot! Here is my list of allergies:
Nuts
Shellfish
Bananas
Tomatoes
All grains
Citrus
Avocado
Egg yolks
Dairy
Corn
Carrots
At least tell him I'm a reasonably cute ginger and I drink. And please can I proof your letter first? :-)
I responded:
Nuts? Does that include legumes(peanuts) and drupes(walnuts, pecans) as well as true nuts(Chestnuts, Hazelnuts)?
And replied again:
I can do NYC or New Orleans. Getting ripped at a Saints game then eating our way thru the French Quarter back to my house would be my preference. He probably isn't a sports fan, but even haters love the Saints, cuz they're badass.
I'll be right back with the email addy.
And btw, he is 6'4. *swoon* . High heels for me!
And yet again:
XXXXX XXXXXX
XXXXX@XXXXXXXXXXXXX.com
Do NOT include my email address. I don't want to be put on their stalker watchlist already.
And some more:
And don't get cute and work yourself into my dinner date! He won't be impressed with your fucking UN passport!
I riposted:
Yes he would. Everyone is: except Boutros Boutros-Ghalli, nothing ever impressed him. And the ‘Taints’ are not badass: the New Zealand All Blacks are badass!
Haka!
Leslie responded:
Oh! The clothing optional dinner/sauna/pool place in Nola might be a good shoot! It's called The Country Club. I'm a member, so I can get him in
And yet again:
And I'm not angling to be on the show. Please make that clear...that I'm not a fame whore. I merely want his company for dinner and wha's his "personal appearance fee"?.
Thank you in advance, XXXX XXXXX, for your indulgence in this matter. My conscience is now clear.
Regards,
Bilious C. Pudenda
I'm concerned you might've blown this for me.
But that "...I can get him in" line is funny as hell.
It is actually, I mimic your dross well, Innit?
This is a "Mimic A Weirdo" blog post right?
I must agree with Shife. (You are special) I hope you are feeling better soon. Personally, I would go to the doc and see what could be done or not. But that's your business.
Its good to keep Elliot as plan B. One should always have a back up.
You indeed are "special" pilgrim. In that "window-lickers in the short-bus who while eating pudding with rubber spoons still manage to hurt themselves" kind of way.
Post sommant new, pilgrim, the pall this post has cast over certain segments of the Internet is palpable for chrise-sakes.
Having found out 80% of his readers are dullards, Pilgrim is now genuinely too depressed to post.
Life imitates art.
Shite!
Off to the Ottawa to throw rocks at Quebec again.
If any dullards would like to ascertain the meaning of my above comment, refer back to my comment of June 8, 2013 at 8:40 AM, above.
Do you think Omar is successfully ignoring me or is he just....you know....busy?
Blogging, as respected Blogger "Omar" explains it, attracts 'fringe elements', people for whom something in their lives has gone terribly wrong. Maybe they didn't make it through high school, maybe they're running away from something - be it an ex-wife, a rotten family history, trouble with the law, a squalid Third World backwater with no opportunity for advancement. Or maybe, like me, they just like Blogging.
So he's just busy, then?
Billy,
Fuck me, not literally, mind, mate [ ;-P ] - this doesn't sound too good, me old friend and mucker. Perhaps, like me, you're experiencing what could be described as a 'mid-life' crisis [and I'm -only- a 'young' _51_, or perhaps it could be something deeper, such as some form of depression or other form of mental illness, etc.. There again, it could be that you're just pouring your heart out and airing your views in public. Fuck me, amigo, how long've we know each other - for quite some years as I remember it. I'm naturally concerned, Billy, and if there's anything I can do or say, then please don't hesitate to contact me. Hope you're feeling somewhat better, my friend, and I wish you well and as such, pass on positive karma from 'across the pond'.
Please take care & stay lucky, Billy - you're not the only one who's been in this boat/situation before.
To you and yours, I wish you all the very best, and hope that things pick-up soon, my friend.
A concerned friend from 'Blighty'!
Peace & Love,
Steve...
For a moment, or a second, the pinched expressions of the cynical, world-weary, throat-cutting, miserable bastards we've all had to become disappears, when we're confronted with something as simple as a comment by Omar.
Yeah, he's busy.
Is it 83% now?
Billy,
On the other hand, don't give up hope, get a fuckin' grip, me 'old bean' and get on with, and face all the life-shit that comes your way. After all, _I_ didn't get where I am today by whining about all the fuckin' 'mamby-pamby' things that've happened in my life; instead, I stopped suckling my mother's breast and got on with life - and look where that's fuckin' gotten me!:-P
Take Care & Stay Lucky, mate...
Best,
Steve...
Wow.
I still like BBC(real)'s comment best!
ah steve, even old cj can't pull me out of this funk and i've been leaving messages with doc morrissey to no avail.
time heals all wounds but i've got more days behind me than ahead of me.
In the immortal words of Saint Leslie, "Cowboy up, y'old shitbag."
Bit of a cock-up on the life-living front, pilgrim?
thimscool?
Saint Leslie, although not officially 'de-canonised' has certainly lost her Feast Day in the Liturgical Calendar - November 14. And here words, though love-lived and erudite are hardly immortal. All those... words... will be lost in time, like [coughs] tears... in... rain.
Sterculian Rhetoric fumbled,
"....And here words, though love-lived....."
I suspect you meant to say, "And her words, though long-lived...."
Curious malapropism of "love" in place of "long". What would Herr Freud think?
Ew! That's just....sad.
Don't forget I have a taser that can blast from across the street! With his new beer gut, the tutor is an easy target.
With his new "beer-gut", there is more of him to love!
Hugo the Abominable Snowman: [holding Daffy, whose shirt makes him look like a rabbit] Oh, what a cute little pink bunny rabbit!
[cradling Daffy]
Hugo the Abominable Snowman: Just what I always wanted. My own little bunny rabbit. I will name him George, and I will hug him and pet him and squeeze him...
Daffy Duck: I'm not a bunny rabbit...
Hugo the Abominable Snowman: ...and pat him and pet him and...
Daffy Duck: You're hurting me. Put me down, please.
Hugo the Abominable Snowman: ...and rub him and caress him and...
Daffy Duck: [shouts] I ain't no bunny rabbit!
Leslie, swooned
"......Ew! That's just....sad......"
Indeed. Much to my continued horror, I've always had under-class tastes in my choice of unrequited love interests. The heart wants what the heart wants. What can I say?
My alleged "beer-gut", if it actually exists, is well earned.
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