Saturday, July 13, 2013

mental defectives

has my mental defective gimmick run its course and become stale? am i repeating myself over and over with no regard toward entertaining the reader? what kind of boring asshole would do such a thing?

last post i mentioned the broken tooth but didn't mention the other lovely details and this is true. i had a 9:45 appointment to get the tooth checked out and around 8:00 i experienced some violent diarrhea and had several trips to the commode before seeing the dentist. of course this made the unpleasant trip to the dentist about as unpleasant as you can get. that afternoon i also experienced a very upset stomach. i told myself that this was all due to the stress i was under. the following day i also had some violent diarrhea in the morning and again in the afternoon. ain't life grand.

wednesday evening i thought about all this and a light went on in my head, maybe it was the flax. twice a day, morning and early afternoon, i have a cup of boiling water with flax. flax must be refrigerated and has a limited shelf life. once before i experienced rancid flax and the result was violent diarrhea so i figured this might be the problem and tossed out the jar of ground flax in the fridge. thursday i used a new batch of flax and all was well with the world. my screwed up stomach was due to bad flax. now my question was, did i purchase rancid flax from the store or did some dumb cunt leave my jar of flax out in the sun??? who knows.

i'm a firm believer in the heath benefits of ground flax. i put a teaspoon of cinnamon in my morning cup of flax and a quarter teaspoon of tumeric in my afternoon cup of flax. both cinnamon and tumeric supposedly have health benefits and give the flax a little flavor.

so here's my question about zimmerman and trayvon. in order to be convicted of murder, the jury must find him guilty beyond a reasonable doubt. if the jury is unable to arrive at a verdict after 2 days of deliberation, doesn't that indicate that there is a reasonable doubt?

leave it to townes van zandt for the last word on dental work

i love you sons of bitches.

i'll bet 2 bucks that the king wins the big hole fishing derby.

123 comments:

texlahoma said...

Man, I hate going to the dentist.
It took me a while to figure out why I was having to RUN to the bathroom. I take a magnesium supplement, never caused any problems. But the new bottle I bought was triple strength, I didn't notice that.
Three times the fun!

BBC said...

What in the fuck is it with you monkeys and the shit you eat and drink? I just eat and drink whatever I want to eat and drink, I mostly eat crap and drink beer.

Prescription meds? Fuck them, I don't do them. Diarrhea passes better better than solid turds.

Win the Big Hole fishing contest? I don't give a fuck about that either, will just be there to meet friends, that won't pick on me about my lack of teeth.

BBC said...

When Thim's was here he didn't pick on me about the lack of teeth, fuck the bitches here, they are just dried up cocksuckers.

BBC said...

A dried up cocksucker wouldn't make a pimple on your ass.

Gorilla Bananas said...

Flax has a lot of fibre, but isn't that helpful for constipation rather than diarrhea? Zimmerman got acquitted, so there must have been a reasonable doubt. Maybe they got more doubtful over the 2-day period.

Leslie said...

BBC, you having no teeth is funny for the simple reason that you made such a big deal about having them pulled, like they were an inconvenience.

If you were truly destitute and couldn't afford dental work, then it wouldn't be funny.

Get it?

And stop playing victim, you hypocrite. Remember when you told me my deceased mother probably killed herself in a car accident to get away from me?

Alright then.

Omar said...

Is it not possible for you to just 'like' us sons of bitches?

All you need is like
All you need is like
All you need is like, like
Like is all you need

billy pilgrim said...

tex - i like triple strength fish.

king - flax and tumeric aren't prescriptions or overpriced supplements. they're dirt cheap and natural.

gb - i take flax for the omega 3 bullshit that's supposed to be good for my brain. and to wash out all the candy and shit i eat.

omar - like is for facebook. this is blogger and love is in the air.

Farmer Giles said...

After reading your current bog, Mr Pilgrim, sir, it is indeed with great regret that I am acquainted with the saddening news of your diarrhoea dilemma. This must have given you the shits, so to speak, both proverbially and metaphorically. As to the technicalities regarding Flax, squire, having never tried this fibre-rich crop, sadly, I am unable to make/offer any useful comments or credible advice with regard to it.

Perhaps I would humbly comment/suggest, that a man who takes his Flax, especially regularly, sir, must surely need to know his Flax. What I am trying to say sir, is, that often in life, when one has the knowledge of something at his or her disposal, then would you not agree, Mr Pilgrim, sir, that it is wise to benefit from the knowledge one has gained from that which one has at their disposal. In this case, squire, I am obviously referring to you Flax.

I am also hopefully that the tooth fairy will rectify the problem you are having with your teeth, sir. May the force of the absence of tooth decay or dental problems be with you.

I would also like to add that I am sure there will always be a need for mental defectives to gather and meet on a regular basis. It would appear, sir, that you have been kind and compassionate enough to create such a retreat on your bog, sir. I will divulge, squire, that there are many a mental defective walking loose on the moors of Dartmoor. And despite being non-prejudicial and fully sympathetic to their plight, I firmly believe that those who make sheep nervous by their perverse actions most definitely need treatment.

A most interesting read indeed, Mr Pilgrim, sir, one for which I most humbly thank you. And may the force of the immediate absence of your diarrhoea dilemma be with you, good sir.

May the sun shine on you, squire, and I hope that your day is a joyous one, one where the acquaintance of your posterior with any toilet seat is absent.


Farmer Giles, always glad to help.

Aquiraans Leov To Fkuc said...

Perhaps you were 'dosed' with traces of a now de-registered genetically modified (GM) variety of flax known as "Triffid"?

And to answer your initial queries, "No! Bring back the retard, he's funnier".

Aquiraans Leov To Fkuc said...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=Y2AP5Zwlzsk

Leslie said...

The Patriots/Saints game on Oct 13th has been voted the 6th most compelling game of the upcoming season.

Leslie said...

Not only am I going, I'm actually going to be tailgating in enemy territory amongst my fellow Massholes, while rooting for the undeniably badassed Saints!

I will hear "Go back to N'awlins ya fuckin skank!" at least a hundred times.

Sportball bloodsport thingys forevs!

Aquiraans Leov To Fkuc said...

".......the 6th most compelling game of the upcoming season......."

The top four most compelling games of the upcoming Lawn Bowls season also involve the Pariots. The 5th most compelling game is actually a composite of all the other games of all the other teams for the entire season that do not sport the Taints as one of the combatants. The 7th most compelling game is again a composite of all the other games in the Taints schedule save the October 13 anal-rape of the Drewcifer, which is, as you say, the 6th most compelling.!

Aquiraans Leov To Fkuc said...

"......I will hear "Go back to N'awlins ya fuckin skank!" at least a hundred times......."

Is this not the request that you normally elicit from folks? Especially those among us who can understand normal thinking?

Aquiraans Leov To Fkuc said...

"........i'll bet 2 bucks that the king wins the big hole fishing derby........"

I'll bet BBC's entire monthly Welfare Cheque that he falls in drunk and has to be fished out with The Frumpy Professors halberd/pike. (Which he carries with him always in case he feels the urge to impale himself.)

Sterculian Rhetoric said...

You are wrong, ALT-F!

The 1st most compelling game in the upcoming season is the entire NFL schedule sans any games in which the Taints attempt to play.
The 2nd is the entire CFL shedule.
The 3rd is the entire BAFA National Leauges schedule.
The 4th is the entire Puerto Rican Football League schedule.
The 5th is watching a toaster 'cook' an Eggo muffin during a NOLA 2013 Supper Bowl inspired power outage.
The 6th is as you say.
The 7th is the rest of the Taints schedule of games.

Aquiraans Leov To Fkuc said...

It's an "Eggo waffle" not an "Eggo muffin" ya cornhole!

Farmer Giles said...

Mr Pilgrim, sir, I apologise most profusely for my intervention on your bog, but despite being a down-to-earth, open-minded and tolerant old farmer, I find the language of some of the female folk who post here to be darn right disgusting and shallow, to put it mildly. Were I five, or perhaps 10 years younger, then I would be more than happy to give these young foul-mouthed ladies the kind of spanking that they would not seek extreme pleasure from.
Appalling and lacking in decorum are two words that immediately spring to mind.

And to the ladies mentioned, have you no shame? It is little wonder that poor Mr Pilgrim is suffering from dental problems and diarrhoea, especially when he is subject to so much verbal context of the latter. Please think rationally and maturely before you type your words of profanity on Mr Pilgrim's bog. Thanking you in advance.

Farmer Giles, always glad to help.

Leslie said...

SR is so much funnier than you. I don't think you're getting your money's worth from his tutorshp.

I have just had a Saints "who dat" cornhole board shipped to the Little Shop of Fleurs. See how you do after a few Molsons!

Aquiraans Leov To Fkuc said...

I would have preferred the Patriots "triangle" one - more representative of the external female genitalia.

The Tutor and I do not drink Molson - yes Molson; no "S"! Molson product is for arse-feckers from Nova Scotia and British Columbia only.

"......SR is so much funnier than you. I don't think you're getting your money's worth from his tutorshp(sic)....."

This makes no sense!
A result of cornholing one-too-many Gheyer arse-imaged rectangular boards no doubt.

Aquiraans Leov To Fkuc said...

Squire Giles erred,

"......It is little wonder that poor Mr Pilgrim is suffering from dental problems and diarrhoea, especially when he is subject to so much verbal context of the latter......."

A lettered person would have chosen "conception" or "construct" instead of "context". Your command of the Queen's is suspect.

Besides, Mr. pilgrim's dental ailments are a direct result of nocturnal bruxing brought about primarily by the fact he is who he is.

Farmer Giles said...

Now, young lady, please show some respect, especially for your elders.And, as for your comment with regard to the Queen's English, I am a pig farmer, lassy, and proud of it, not some highly-educated reprobate drop-out, the likes of whom I have met and know before.

This verbal altercation has therefore ceased as of now. The result being, hopefully you have learnt a lesson in manners and etiquette, young lady.

I bid you good-day, and hope that you will ponder over a lesson learnt and that your pride has been dented too much.

Farmer Giles, always glad to help.

Aquiraans Leov To Fkuc said...

You forgot the patented BBC,

*poof*

It's de rigueur 'round these parts. Used when ever the newly raped flee their torment with their tails wedged firmly betwixt their scrawny, Stick Insect legs.

For the record, I have no pride, dentable or otherwise.

Sterculian Rhetoric said...

Dearest ALT-F,

A truly lettered person would have realised that the use of the word 'context' in this context, is not only acceptable, but actually inspired!

Also, your explanation of the 'cause' of Mr. pilgrim's dental indisposition is in fact a comment only on the 'mechanism'. Not the cause. This bruxing is completely compatible with Farmer Giles inference that your behaviour, and that of Leslie, is the source of his woe.

Aquiraans Leov To Fkuc said...

You're right Leslie, I don't get my money's worth from his tutorshp.

And yes I know it makes sense, despite what I said at 12:58 PM above, so fuck off in advance!

Farmer Giles said...

Madam, Aquiraans Leov To Fkuc, perhaps I was wrong to chastise you for what, in my opinion, was your wrong-doing. When the late Mrs Giles and I had the misfortune to argue, I would simply go for a short walk or tend to my animals, and then inform her that she was correct in that which she had stated in the heat of the moment.

I am a non-judgemental old man, and was probably wrong to speak my mind. You are probably a fine young woman in reality, someone who may have to put on a mask to disguise your inner and outermost feelings.

I hold no malice toward you, nor do I bear any grudge. Just be as you are, and try to be happy with yourself, and in future, I will keep my farmer's mouth shut.

I have read some of the disgraceful retorts that have been directed at you by some of the men folk, and I can assure you this, I would never stoop so low as to speak to a woman in such a manner, no matter what the situation gave rise to.

Therefore, I wish you well and wish to forget this misfortune. I hope that you can do the same.

Farmer Giles, always glad to help.

Aquiraans Leov To Fkuc said...

Dearest Mr. Farmer Giles,

With all due respect, are you fucking mental?

Aquiraans Leov To Fkuc said...

Farmer Giles oinked,

".....and was probably wrong to speak my mind......"

It is NEVER wrong to speak one's mind.

".....I would never stoop so low as to speak to a woman in such a manner,....."

Then, sir, you are a sexist cunt and will be amongst the first against the wall when the revolution comes.
Not first though, BBC is first!

Farmer Giles said...

Young lady, I offered/gave you a chance/opportunity to redeem yourself. I offered you the benefit of the doubt and you spat it back in my face with excessive venom. If my daughter had turned out to be anything like you in nature, then I would have been distressed to the point of no return. I do indeed think and believe from experience of meeting some strange folk on the moors of Dartmoor, that it is probably indeed you who has a mental disorder. For that, you have my sympathy, but for the manner in which you conduct yourself, you have nothing but my utter and complete disdain.

Perhaps one day, when older, wiser and more mature, you will reflect deeply on the way in which you have acted/act and with some luck, you will rise above the regret and have a reasonably happy life. My Rottweiler is far less ferocious than your tongue, young lady, and you are a disgrace to your being.

Farmer Giles, always glad to help.

Aquiraans Leov To Fkuc said...

Fuck the moors of Dartmoor!
You want strange folk like me? Try the fucking real Moors!
The West Yorkshire Moors!



God save Martin Boorman and Nazis on the run.
They wasn't being wicked God that was their idea of fun.
God save Myra Hindley. God save Ian Brady.
Even though he's horrible and she ain't what you call a lady.

God Save The Sex Pistols!

Farmer Giles said...

God Save The Queen, a fascist regime, makes you a moron, a potential h-bomb!

Your reference to The Moors Murderer's is excessively sick in the extreme, lassy.

Farmer Giles, always glad to help.

thimscool said...

Fuck all that, we've gotta get on with these...

thimscool said...

How do I get an express ticket to Big Hole?

billy pilgrim said...

farmer giles - thank you for your thoughtful comments and sympathy for my delicate condition. i'm very happy to report that my arse is fit as a fiddle and the temporary dental fix is completely painless although i must admit to feeling more than a little trepidation towards future dental visits.

i see you have become familiar with the lovely aquarian. i do not use term lovely sarcastically for she is usually a very clever and welcome guest on this blog. i have been on the receiving end of countless barbs and aspersions from the young lady but have rarely taken offense. in my opinion she might be smitten with your charm and good graces but due to past experiences is hesitant to admit her true feelings towards a man such as yourself.

leslie - if there was ever an appropriate time for my favorite phrase, who gives a shit, it's now. compelling and american are football mutually exclusive. the world cup is compelling.

aquarian - it looks like you're missing the king as much as i. our loss is big hole's gain so we'll just have to make do until the king triumphantly returns with a catch of fish the likes of which few have ever seen. in the meantime, please don't scare farmer giles away.

thims - you'll have to access big hole through the fourth dimension. (i'm currently reading hyperspace)

silly rabbit said...

Sorry about your fearful shuffles. It does make like messy.
Good that the tooth was mended with little pain.
I like Farmer Giles. =:]

Omar said...

Not to pick nits with the ancient, but the above stanza from 'No One is Innocent' isn't really the Sex Pistols. Just ask John Lydon, he'll tell ya. Be careful when you do though, it's all but certain your pointy wee head will require some stitching for committing such an insulting error!

Farmer Giles said...

Mr Pilgrim, sir, your hilarious, cryptic 'keep the fuck off my bog' comments have finally hit home, squire. I have received your message loud and clear, sir, and will no longer bother you.

Here on Dartmoor, we may have lost touch with the big outside world to a certain extent/degree, but despite, in the main, being farming folk, believe it or not, we have had our educations.

It pleases and interests me to hear that you are into astronomy, physics, black holes, wormholes matter and anti-matter and the like. I recently watched Ancient Aliens [series 1] and have just ordered the following DVDs through to 4 [although series 4 is due for release early 2014].

I wish you well, sir Billy, and apologise most graciously for any ill-intended comments that I placed on your bog. I even extend that comment to the wild-thing lady, who, as I mentioned yesterday, in reality, is most probably and most definitely a woman of substance and true character.

Hasta que tal vez hablamos más, les deseo lo mejor, señor.

Farmer Giles, always glad to help.

thimscool said...

ALTF, ya daft cunt, ya done skerred off the farmer type.

How are we gonna eat now? Cannibalism?

Farmer Giles said...

@thimscool,

Sir, thimscool, farmers do not scare off that easily, squire, they just have the courtesy and decency not to overstay their welcome[s] and annoy folk.

Have a good day, sir.

Farmer Giles, always glad to help.

thimscool said...

Well friend, it's not my house; but as for me and my various voices, you are a most welcome influence on the denizens of this zen den.

Omar said...

He's a pig farmer, ffs. Meat is murder, thimscool!

thimscool said...

No, no. Cannibalism is murder.

Meat is just a symptom of the sick tension between greed and hunger.

billy pilgrim said...

farmer giles, are you using your german enigma machine again to decipher my comments? i can't recall ever making any comments regarding keep the fuck off my bog. i'm quite protective of ruby's fen but my bog is your bog.

Leslie said...

If Farmer Giles is checking out, can we have Carmelita back? Less wordy, better rack.

billy pilgrim said...

i'm hoping farmer giles comes back and i suspect carmelita might be on her way to big hole.

Demeur said...

Billy stay out of health food stores. Those places will kill ya. You probably got a batch of Chinese flax complete with lead and pesticides. And definitely don't eat any flax from India.

thimscool said...

Sound advice.

Go on the Cheetos diet and the McDonald's budget!

Omar said...

I'm thinking about hiring Young Monarchist League of Canada members to fan us during these unusually hot summer days. Anybody got a problem with that?

Aquiraans Leov To Fkuc said...

http://punk1976.webs.com/no%20one%20is%20innocent%20uk.jpg

http://punk1976.webs.com/no%20one%20is%20innocent%20french.jpg

The Tutor has this 45rpm.
This vinyl was purchased in Blighty before either Leslie or I were born.
I did not say it was the Sex Pistols.

The Tutor was asked to join the Young Monarchist League of Canada - on account of his UE status. He told them to fuck off.

Mr. pilgrim?

"......in my opinion she(me) might be smitten with your charm and good graces but due to past experiences is hesitant to admit her(mine) true feelings towards a man such as yourself......"

Prescient little cunt, ain't ya?

Aquiraans Leov To Fkuc said...

Gotta get up, listen to me
oooh oh ooooh oh oh
Clap your hands, stompa your feet!
ooooh oh oh ooooh oh oh
Nothing is wrong, if you move to the beat
ooooh oh oh ooooh oh oh
Clap your hands, stompa your feet!
Stompa your feet!!
ooooh oh oh ooooh oh oh
Stompa your feet!
ooooh oh oh ooooh oh oh
Stompa your feet!!

Aquiraans Leov To Fkuc said...

Omar?
pilgrim?

The Tutor has written my latest post.

It's about a recently departed 'famous' painter.
You might be interested.

Farmer Giles said...

Mr Pilgrim, sir, I am indeed humbly and sympathetically back, with my tail firmly placed between my legs, squire.

It is most unfortunate, sir, and I am indeed most certainly and surely apologetic for that which I posted on your bog. Unfortunately, sir, it appears that I totally misunderstood your comment, good man. You are indeed a man of compassion and integrity, sir, not to mention, a man of extended wisdom, as well as a man who possesses many other admirable qualities. On Dartmoor, such a compliment from a pig farmer is seen as being an accolade second-to-none.

Now, some people may find it hard to accept that they are, or were wrong by their actions, but not I, Mr Pilgrim. Hopefully, this will be the last misunderstanding of this kind, and as you stated on my bog, "As bonnie raitt says on the intro to the stevie ray tribute album, this one's for you stevie.

as i age and become more mellow i'm liking the ladies of folk more and more. i'm wearing my be good tanyas tshirt at this very moment and dreaming of norah jones. norah may not be a folkie but everytime i hear her sing come away with me, i start packing.

always glad to receive your help and you're always welcome at my fucking bog."

After all, sir, we both know that CJ didn't get where he got yesterday by sulking in a corner and refusing food, especially after having been insulted by a young, male, up-start employee with blistered and sweaty testicles.

It would also appear that you have a wonderful taste in music, sir. I too greatly admire bonnie raitt, especially for her amazing handling and capabilities on the electric/acoustic guitar. This old pig farmer, despite not having too much of an extensive listening knowledge of Norah Jones, has to say that the music that I have had handed to me via the interwebnet, is indeed most imaginative and compelling. She must be destined to go far.

I wish you well, sir, Billy, and wish you a day in which pleasantries and happiness are in abundance.

Farmer Giles, always glad to help.

Farmer Giles said...

Dear Lord, Pilgrim, I did indeed forget to thank you for your kind enquiries about Gizmo's teats. That was a most generous and honourable comment, sir. I do indeed most certainly thank you, squire. As an short update, sir, her teats continue to improve, and the pups continue to thrive after suckling.

Once again, Mr Pilgrim, sir, enjoy your day, sir.

Farmer Giles, always glad to help.



Aquiraans Leov To Fkuc said...

♏ sucks!

♒ rules!

♋ is a cunt's sign!

Leslie said...

Farmer Giles~ stick a fork in it.

Aquiraans Leov To Fkuc said...

This fork, which you want Farmer Giles to stick in it, how many tines and how many times?

Leslie said...

Whatever works. Maybe this will inspire him?

Paddy Mac said...

Billy, me friend, after searching Google, I've just come across yer, my old Irish mucker. T'iz good to speak with yer, to be sure, it t'iz.

Well, keep me informed, man. What's been going down, how yer keeping? Are the family well? How's work, and all that sort of stuff.

Must've been a fair few years since we shared a beer or two, me old pal. Where are yer living? Still in Donegal or gone back to Canada?

Anyways, matey, I'll drop back and see how yer doing, man. Yer still the only bloke I know who used to have purple dreadlocks and tell every traffic warden you encountered to fuck right off!

See Ya, Bill.

Paddy Mac

Aquiraans Leov To Fkuc said...

Okay, so stabbed 14 times with a two-tined fork then?

Leslie said...

If it's possible to stab oneself that many times. I suppose it must be. Especially if you're a fat pig farmer.

Aquiraans Leov To Fkuc said...

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2151830/Man-stabs-throws-intestines-police.html

Leslie said...

Fuuny that happened in Hack n Sack New Jersey!

Innit!

LOL!!!!!

Leslie said...

Fuuny as fuuk!

Aquiraans Leov To Fkuc said...

I see you're using the hyperbolic, multi-faceted "U" of your English betters to add a certain credence to your mirth.

Well done!

Doc Teri said...

Update: the Big Hole soirée was a remarkable success. I've just gotten back to my daughter's and Billy will be on the road a few more days as well. Pilgrim...the fishing derby was a 3-way tie with 2 each. The fish here are the size of bait where I come from but they did make a hell of a lunch yesterday. Will post pictures on my blog as soon as I'm able...

Leslie said...

A remarkable success because you're not in a trunk with your mouth duct-taped?

Leslie said...

Omar, I accidentally stumbled upon your negative review of my hair below.

I will try to do better.

Aquiraans Leov To Fkuc said...

These ones?

"You need your hair did, Leslie."

"Can you help a bitch with a dated hairstyle?"

Leslie said...

Yes.

Omar said...

That was several Spanish coffees talking. I love your blond bangs!

Leslie said...

♏ forevs!

Aquiraans Leov To Fkuc said...

I thought they were ginger bangs?

♏ forevs! Fair enough, but ♒ rules!

Aquiraans Leov To Fkuc said...

Well Omar?
Did you read The Tutor's post on Alex Colville?
Leslie has no taste in Fine Art, so she didn't get it. I reckon you will.

http://aquarianslovetofuck.blogspot.ca/2013/07/alex-who.html

Leslie said...

You don't rule me! Pluto does!







Fuck off in advance!

Leslie said...

ALTF, people don't read your shit because you don't hyperlink.

You are very lazy.

billy pilgrim said...

farmer giles - i'm glad we have all that sorted out and yes, happiness and pleasantries abound at casa myshkin. well maybe not, i couldn't be any more pleasant but the lovely mrs myshkin is trying slap a happiness tax on me. but no worries, tax avoidance is me.

paddy - holy christ and fuck me the band is getting back together. no need wasting your time going through all my old posts to see what i've been up to. it's the same old shit, i'm still the fishin musician ;) on the down side, ruby is getting very long in the tooth.

doc - there must have been no big fish in the hole, otherwise the king would have caught them. great to hear the soirée was a success but i would have expected nothing less with the king holding court.

aquarian - maybe if you bought a few pigs your prose would hold a candle to farmer giles. (you better don't get paddy angry)

Aquiraans Leov To Fkuc said...

Leslie poted,

"......ALTF, people don't read your shit because you don't hyperlink......."

You, little missy, are labouring under the erroneous assumption that I wish to maximise the number of 'people' who might read and comprehend my word salads.
Wrong!
I wish to minimise the number! Those for whom I write are well enough rewarded.


".....Fuck off in advance...."

Nyuck!
You were anticipating a rebuttal of the non-planet status of Pluto no doubt?

Aquiraans Leov To Fkuc said...

Dearest pilgrim,

The routines of fine-prose commenting on blogs, always hyperlinking, not getting Taigs angry and the like are quiet and undramatic. Breathing air and drinking water are quiet too. It is only when we run short of them that things get dramatic.

Leslie said...

Pluto is a planet!

Leslie said...

...and you left out the bit about hitting on teenage military wives...

Omar said...

Zing! Summer storm slams Petawawa!

Aquiraans Leov To Fkuc said...

Ask Kelly about what the The Tutor and a few teen-aged Military wives got up to when the hubbies were away on a "Roto" in the Land of the Afghans back in 2007.
Shocking it was.
Just shocking!
Is it any wonder 22 Canadian Military personnel committed suicide in 2012?

Aquiraans Leov To Fkuc said...

It missed me!
Ha!
The neighbour's house, an East Coaster in the Military, did not fair well at all.
Oh well, Shidane Arone seeks yet more revenge!

Doc Teri said...

Leslie...Billy doesn't have a trunk.

Mr. Shife said...

The dentist sucks. I am anti-dentite. Hopefully all of your elimination problems get cleared up. Take care BP.

Omar said...

I don't give two flying figs about the military. The brass, the field hands or any of their family members. To paraphrase The King, 'The only thing military types can do for me is shine my scooter and buy my almond bark'.

Aquiraans Leov To Fkuc said...

Some of their family members are kinda cute and of rather loose moral character.
Or so The Tutor tells me.

Did you know that Almond Bark can kill Leslie even though almonds are drupes?

Leslie said...

So can a wayward shrimp. What's your point?

I used to hyperventilate on airplanes if someone sitting next to me was eating that little dish of warm nuts, but then I was advised that might be more of a psychological issue than an allergy, so I got past it.

Aquiraans Leov To Fkuc said...

".....that little dish of warm nuts....."

They come in bags in Business and Economy class - fucking snobby empire builder!

Leslie said...

They do?

Leslie said...

And I don't remember calling you names when we discovered you weren't familiar with Arthur Rimbaud, Aleister Crowley, or Anthony Bourdain.

Why ya gotta be so rude?

Aquiraans Leov To Fkuc said...

You have a selectively short memory, missy.

You called me a 'dumbass' and a 'smelly foreigner' and that I should go back from whence I came.
These epithets have permanently scarred my psyche and my alleged rudeness is merely symptomatic of this hateful vituperation.

Leslie said...

That was this morning! I'm talking about way back when.

Honestly though, you're starting to sound like a better-vocabularied version of BBC. Always the victim!

Aquiraans Leov To Fkuc said...

Someone has to play the role of the Village Idiot until The Natural returns to the fold.

Victimhood is awesome!

Leslie said...

Apparently not all Nova Scotians are mean.

Aquiraans Leov To Fkuc said...

What you don't see is the epilogue wherein the crow is plucked further - and then eviscerated, cooked and eaten.

Have a thought for the poor porcupine - it's missing a few quills. And by the look of the quills, an American porcupine, resident in Maine perhaps. And what the fuck is a crow doing bothering a peaceful American porcupine in the first place? Must be a Nova Scotian Crow, thick as shite!

Leslie said...

This HAPPENED in Nova Scotia, dumbass. I seriously doubt a Maine porcupine could suvive being a stow away on the ferry from Bar Harbor . Not only is the boat full of rowdy American drunks, but once it docks anything still breathing is subjected to hours of interrogation and a full body cavity search. And if you're dumb enough to bring a vehicle? Forget it! Add another 3 hours onto your "Welcome to Canada, remove your jacket don't put your hands in your pockets stop eyeballing me" interlude.

And how thick is the crow if he called for help and received help? And btw, crows are smart as fuck.

Aquiraans Leov To Fkuc said...

Picture this scenario:
A Nova Scotian crow flies, straight 'as the crow flies', to Maine. And with malicious intent did proceed to harangue and harass an innocent and peaceful American porcupine by repeatedly bashing its beaky crow brow upon the tender flesh of our porcupine friend. Upwards of four of our quivering friend's quills were ripped out with no thought given to the concepts of 'property rights' or 'sanctity of person', not to mention decency and propriety.
Thus raped, the poor pitiable porcupine dragged itself off to perhaps die while the insensitive crow flew off to return to the land of the Cabot Trail and the Bay of Fundy.


Watch the epilogue Leslie; See how smart the little fecker was!

Aquiraans Leov To Fkuc said...

".......but once it docks anything still breathing is subjected to hours of interrogation and a full body cavity search......"

Even that which is no longer breathing gets full body cavity searches by a cadre of Extra Special Border Security personnel. They all live on Japanese owned land in Necro Harbour.

Leslie said...

Ha! I sold my NS property to a lovely Japanese couple. I hope they like blueberries and mosquitos and being neighbors with Omar.

Leslie said...

Oh, I get it. But it's Cape Negro.

Leslie said...

Wow.

Aquiraans Leov To Fkuc said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Leslie said...

LOL!

Unlike you I am fine airing my cerebral imperfections. You go back and delete yours!

Aquiraans Leov To Fkuc said...

Shite!
I fuct up!
It's Cape Necro NOT Necro Harbour.
Oh well, it's synptomatic of my victimhood - dullardry!

Aquiraans Leov To Fkuc said...

I only delete cerebral imperfections which make me look too smart. You air your cerebral imperfections primarily because you rarely, if ever, recognise them as such!

Leslie said...

I hope you get a hot meal and a shower soon. You're a mess.

Aquiraans Leov To Fkuc said...

Okay
Okay
I am forced to "eat crow" and a "humble pie" of "four and twenty blackbirds"
You win!

Aquiraans Leov To Fkuc said...

And as far as the "hot meal" and "shower" are concerned, I hope you are enjoying your Schadenfreude-ic glee over my storm-related misfortune.

Leslie said...

"You air your cerebral imperfections primarily because you rarely, if ever, recognise them as such!"

That's called keepin' it real, homie.

And I'm not gleeful about your uncaffeinated and stinkified body, I'm just a little shocked at what a whiney baby you are! Suck it up, Buttercup! One day without electricity is nothing!

Aquiraans Leov To Fkuc said...

It is not the lack of electricity that sullens me, it is the constant rioting outside my gated community of Canadians who can't cope with any adversity whatsoever.
The wailing and keening, "Where's the Government?"

Leslie said...

Bob Sweet doesn't like white people!

Aquiraans Leov To Fkuc said...

I had to research that name.
Embarrassing or what?

Leslie said...

It should've been "care about". Bob Sweet doesn't care about white people.

Leslie said...

Innit!Innit!

Leslie said...

Have you noticed apparently you and I are the only ones working today?

Aquiraans Leov To Fkuc said...

SWMNBN says you were right in the first place.
The Tutor knows nowt about it and doesn't give a shite. He's like Omar is with the Military.

SWMNBN keeps kicking me off the computer to look on the Internet for photographs of the destruction wrought from yesterday's storm in Petawawa.

Aquiraans Leov To Fkuc said...

I don't think the folks here realise that when I am on-line it is only because I am working at the Flower Store. I do both, simultaneously.
I have no other access to the Internet.
Nor do I want any other access to the Internet.
I'm happy with what I have.

Farmer Giles said...

Mr Pilgrim, sir, once again you had me in a state of rapturous discord with the following comment, squire, "as the holder of a 9-5 job i can tell you 90% of the job is showing up and giving the impression that i actually give a shite. it didn't take me long to figure out that those who gave a shite usually succumbed to bitterness and stress at an early age. the lovely mrs myshkin always told me not to rush and make it last, perfect advice for the 9 to 5er.

sorry to hear about your sweaty balls. as my good friend used to say, i've got the clap and blue balls too, the clap don't hurt but the blue balls do.

say hi to gismo for me."

I think I will nominate you for the Dartmoor Farmer's Global Comedian Award, 2013, sir, an accolade, I can assure you, sir Billy, that has never been afforded from anyone other than the folk living on our National Park.

May your day be good, sir, and may your humour increase in its excellence.

Farmer Giles, always glad to help.

And to the lovely ladies, "It is like water off a duck's back," my sweeties.

PS Sir, Billy, squire, Gizmo thanks you from the tips of her ears to the claws on her toes, in other words, from head to foot.





billy pilgrim said...

maybe the flower shop can buy a new keyboard with a working zed key.

Omar said...

"Flower Shop"
(feat. Leslie)

[Intro: The Tutor]
Yeah...
Uh huh
So seductive

[The Tutor]
I'll take you to the flower shop
I'll let you climb the mountaintop
Go 'head girl, don't you flop
Keep it going rub the bald spot
(woah)

[Leslie]
I'll take you to the flower shop
Boy one snip of what I want
I'll have you arranging all the stock
Keep going 'til you feel the yacht
(woah)

[Verse 1: The Tutor]
You can have it your way, how do you want it
You gon' order that thing up or should i push up on ya
Temperature steaming, okay lets go get the shovel
Retail floor jam packed, hot as bee nettle
I'll break it down for you now, baby it's simple
If you be a floro, I'll be a floro
In the rose cooler or in the back of the greenhouse
On the sidewalk or in receiving it's whatever you into
Got the magic pruner, I'm the love gardner
Have your friends teasing you 'bout how sprung I gotcha
Wanna show me how you work it baby, no problem
Get on top then get to bouncing sound like a slow climber
I'm a greenthumb vet when it come to this shit
After you work up a sweat I can show you some card tricks
I'm trying to explain baby the best way I can
Greenbelt in your mouth girl, not in your hands
(ha ha)

Aquiraans Leov To Fkuc said...

Where am I in that?
Leslie and The Tutor?

Ha!

Now THIS is and ode to me!

http://aquarianslovetofuck.blogspot.ca/2013/05/ode-to-me.html

I would very much love to claim authorship of that masterpiece, but alas, I cannot.