Friday, January 11, 2013

no respect

it's come to my attention that the poor get very little respect. it was a beautiful afternoon and i was looking for reason to go for a good bike ride. i had the good fortune of finding 11 empty beer cans whilst walking the roo and decided to ride across town and convert them into $1.10. a noble mission if there ever was one.

after a long hard ride i arrived at my favorite liquor store to cash in the cans. this particular store has an outside return station with a large stainless steel counter for organizing the returns. after carefully putting my cans in a cardboard flat i pressed the buzzer to summon the clerk. a short fat man came to the window and told me it was unnecessary to press the buzzer since he could see me through the window. he had a ruddy complexion with a big red nose, an alcoholic if i ever saw one. i pointed to the sign stating ring buzzer for service and he pointed to a sign stating all cans must be clean. an older man dressed like a bum cashing in a few empty cans gets no respect.

after getting my money i turned my attention to the garbage cans and started looking for heavy plastic liquor store bags. i found a good number of them and was testing them for leaks when the clerk stuck his head out the window and told me to keep out of the garbage. the implication being i was a homeless man and was making a nuisance of myself. rather than telling him to go fuck himself i emptied the can onto the pavement, smiled and rode off. the cranky alcoholic had a nice little mess to clean up.

i use the liquor store bags to hold dog shit when cleaning the backyard. i get some strange looks from people when telling them that the bags make excellent dog shit storage containers. what can i say, i'm a high class guy.

in my drinking days i loved this song.

i love you sons of bitches

125 comments:

Gorilla Bananas said...

This reminds of a story about Michael Caine. He went to a Rolls-Royce dealer, when he was a young movie star, and made enquiries about the cars for sale. When the sales rep heard his cockney accent, he told Caine the cars were out of his price range and not to waste his time. So Caine gave him an earful and told him he'd blown a certain commission before leaving.

Petronela said...

:), One surely doesn't get bored reading your blog.

Anonymous said...

"

".....he had a ruddy complexion with a big red nose, an alcoholic if i ever saw one....."

Well aren't we quick to judge?
Is it not possible the poor man was on vasodilators for high blood pressure or any number of innocent health conditions, and the resultant 'ruddy complexion' and 'red nose' were an unfortunate consequence of the medications?

".......the clerk stuck his head out the window and told me to keep out of the garbage. the implication being i was a homeless man and was making a nuisance of myself......"

I've no doubt you were making a nuisance of yourself, and I am not at all sure that you might resemble a 'homeless' man, but the prohibition against 'Garbage Play' is purely motivated by Insurance liability concerns I reckon.

Things are not always as they appear pilgrim!

Innit?

Anonymous said...

Mister Pilgrim,

If for some unknown, and very stupid, reason you might choose to open this Handy Comments Facility to those of the 'Anonymous' persuasion, I shall post this response now to the enquiry that is sure to materialise the moment you 'open' these comments to those right cunts:

"I am here!"
and
"Quia multi sumus"


That is all.

Kelly said...

I enjoyed that part where the dude just automatically assumed you were a homeless guy because of the cans.

Btw, if you really want to make a nuisance of yourself, if you're feeling bored, try taking midget into the middle of town, dress him clown make up and shoot bullets at his feet to make him dance. The crowd will go wild.

You could sell tickets to this, too. Why not make a profit?

You can have this fabulous idea of mine- absolutely free of charge. You're welcome!

billy pilgrim said...

gb - and now he has a batmobile!

uni - excitement r us.

aquarian - you might have a point, there was a lot of broken glass in the trash can.

jezebel - i lack the necessary knowledge to permit anonymous comments.

kelly - i have a great deal of difficulty distinguishing midgets from dwarfs.

TheWayfarer said...

You think poor people get no respect, try being a "right wing extremist" or a "stupid liberal", BOTH of which I've been branded by the mind-numbed partisan robots...Few of whom dare to think.

Anonymous said...

Poor people do not know how to enjoy nice things, it is therefore a blessing that they have none.

So entranced, indeed so enthralled, is our dear Leslie with that horridly under-class Sportsball Thingy that when The Tutor last visited the poor wretch for her bi-monthly 'servicing' he was required to inscribe on his upper arms, with yellow felt-pen, near the shoulder, the Nike "Swoosh".
(Ha! You geaux girl!)
Curiously, he was also required to stencil, in black, the word, "RIDDELL" on his forehead. Curiouser still, he was asked to emblazon the number "neuf" on his chest, but on his back, the number 12?
Go figure?
Presumably, function does triumph over form; substance over style, even among the insipid Brees-o-philic Whodatopaths and/or Whodatopathetics.

thimscool said...

My friend BBC requested that I notify ALTF/Leslie/Demented One that he wants you to stop fucking with him. More importantly I want you to stop fucking with him. So does Drew.

I haven't witnessed any unusual activity or furious fucking recently, but he assured me that you are an evil genius hellbent on giving him an aneurism. Please cease fire.

That is all.

Anonymous said...

"......I haven't witnessed any unusual activity or furious fucking recently,....."

That is because there hasn't been any. The usually loquacious BBC has a new ghost-writer who is rather brevitous and sparing in the sprinkling of BBC minutiae.

"......but he assured me that you are an evil genius hellbent on giving him an aneurism(sic)......"


1) The 'genius' appellation is correct, though I doubt very much if the BBC could discern this.

2) One cannot, as much as one might want to in this case, give another an 'aneurysm'.
I can arrange to 'fill' this balloon-like bulge with fluids, but the balloon itself was not my responsibility.

thimscool said...

Kindly provide a link to your latest skirmish so that I can evaluate the severity of the mockery and determine whether I should console BBC or admonish him for preying on my sympathies and my medical ignorance.

Then please indulge my curiosity and demonstrate the proper technique to diagram my previous sentence. I am trying to teach my son grammar.

thimscool said...

Anyway it was probably Leslie. She never quits. Just ask Carrie.

Anonymous said...

Doc Teri's
And no skirmishes. The battle is not joined, the war is over, Leslie and we have capitulated in the face of overwhelming Shock and Awe.
also.......
I have systematically endeared myself on every blog I happen to have happened upon which has also, coincidentally, been happened upon by BBC. BBC is jealous I reckon.

Anonymous said...

Besides, the Administrators of other blogs seem to be deleting the ever resourceful BBC's comments when they foolishly refer to us.
Not my fault, now is it?

billy pilgrim said...

galt - but poor people deserve a little respect. right wing extremists with assault weapons and delusional liberals should look at the spit on the ground every time their name gets mentioned.

thims - do i detect a white flag? (i picked up more mercury dimes. i'm starting to love those little sons of bitches)

aquarian - how long has your benevolence been dormant?

Leslie said...

Thimscool,

Your friend is a manipulator and an idiot.

Tell him to man up and submit his own requests and to accept responsibility for the bad behavior that's left him so unpopular in cyberspace.

And tell him to give you the links, and then please post any where you find me, Leslie, "fucking with him".

You got suckered.

Leslie said...

Also, why don't you go to Carrie's blog and search on my name and see what you get?

Pay special attention to her "Leslie, I miss you" post.

People with brains know better.

Anonymous said...

billy pilgrim said,

".....aquarian - how long has your benevolence been dormant?....."

I used to be compared favourably to Gandhi and Mother Teresa. Then I met Leslie and her evil Datbots.
I am soiled.
I am ruined.
I beg for the release that only death can provide now.

billy pilgrim said...

i'd like to get those links, i feel so uninformed not knowing what's going on outside my little dwarf universe.

billy pilgrim said...

my father's house has many rooms but i still have work to do.

Anonymous said...

Leslie said,

"......Pay special attention to her(Carrie) "Leslie, I miss you" post......."

She was referring to Leslie Nielsen, who died November 28, 2010, that well known Canadian heart-throb.

I think this might be pertinent to our discussion.

thimscool said...

It is better to be used than useless. Especially when the cause is just and the rhetoric is pithy.

I thought it might be Doc Teri's blog but I was not impressed with the ferocity of the commenting there. I checked the frumpy professor, who by the way I am convinced is a Google algorithm, but there was no there there either.

Ah well.

Pilgrim, coins make a nice hedge but if you really want to clean up you'll load up on fixed low interest debt in exchange for valuable assets, and then use the silver to ensure you can make the payments. Nichts war?

Anonymous said...

billy pilgrim said,

".....i feel so uninformed not knowing what's going on outside my little dwarf universe......"

Are you sure it is not a 'midget' universe?
You claimed earlier you could not differentiate between the two.

Anonymous said...

thimscool said,

".....who by the way I am convinced is a Google algorithm,....."

No one makes me laugh the way you do thimscool.

billy pilgrim said...

thims - leverage can be a very dangerous thing.

Leslie said...

Kinda fascinating how BBC suckers in the smarties. Doc Teri hasn't been around long enough to know better, but Thimscool you surely have.

So where are those links...?

thimscool said...

I can't remember the URL for Carrie, but maybe later I'll seek her out and see what wreckage you created.

You really are effective, Leslie.

Leslie said...

Am I?

I guess that's one thing BBC and I have in common. With one "poor me" email to you, BBC succeeds in hijacking a comment thread and getting the attention he so misses.

I've never had a problem owning my assholery. BBC is a fucking punk and a liar.

Links. Now.

Anonymous said...

thimscool siad,

"......You really are effective, Leslie....."

Is this the same thimscool, who only 5 or so years ago crooned:


"Chris needs to get his head checked.

I'm sure that he can't spit without landing a lugie twixt the cleavage of some comely lass... but chances are that the lugie would be more clever than the lass.

And of course he can score any number of mensa tramps like Broomhilda, here.

But where else is he gonna find find a saintly ancient soul with a devilish wit and an angelic allure?

A rolling stone eventually comes to rest at the bottom of the heap, Chris."

Broomhilda is ALT-F
The 'saintly ancient soul' is Leslie.
Chris is Chris Isaak

thimscool said...

This thread is a masterpiece! How dare you insult the good Pilgrim's blog.

So, you want me to scurry in a hurry and force BBC to provide me with links so that I can please you and demonstrate that I'm not a sucker?

ALTF, surely that was more amusing than my swipe at the frumpy profbot.

Anonymous said...

Correction Leslie,
"Massholery"

thimscool said...

Indeed, we are all the same, though our atoms ate different. Funny how that works.

Anonymous said...

My atoms are Bohr-ing.

I am, curiously enough, not at all ashamed of that.

thimscool said...

Stupid droid.

billy pilgrim said...

is the frump prof that douchebag with the pipe tobacco.

in my academic years i always disliked profs with pipes or turtleneck sweaters with a medallion hanging around their neck.

Leslie said...

Thimscool, the Archives of Genuis are intact on Butchie's blog. Do you remember the crucifixion of one "Dirk_Star", the purple PT Cruiser-driving, faux-hippie music critic who would quote the Dalai Lama in his reviews and then spend his nights shitting in my comment box?

This bit at Butchie's preceded Dirk's comeuppance and public apology. Now who does this sound like?

It would appear that the new trend on the internet is as follows:

1. Start a blog, adorned with a bunch of shit, that defines which type of person you are tying to be. (hippie- peace signs & rainbows; patriot vet- animated GIFs of machine guns & eagles shitting on Osama Bin Laden; Wandering Soul- Kerouac, Hesse books & Buddhas; etc)

2. Pick a fight, by leaving inflammatory comments on another person's blog.

3. Moderate comments on your own blog, so none of your friends will see what a dick you have been.

4. Act as if you are an innocent victim, of brutal attacks, by mean spirited people who are just looking for a fight.

5. Create a post like this, (April 5 post) after I indicate to you, that I intend to tip off your friends as to the type of person you REALLY are.

Feel free to use the following link to view Dirk's UNEDITED comments at Leslie's blog. Just scroll to the bottom, and work your way up. Keep in mind, that Leslie, myself and the other commenters do not have peace signs and "good vibes" shit all over our blogs. We are assholes and we admit it.

Anonymous said...

billy pilgrim said,

"......in my academic years i always disliked profs with pipes or turtleneck sweaters with a medallion hanging around their neck......"

I always fucked profs like that, but not in my academic years - before that.

Leslie said...

Dirk's white flag...(BBC, take note):

Sometimes even the smartest of people do the dumbest of things. Oftentimes those of us possessing the most average of intelligence do the stupidest of things. It begins with a single decision that only hindsight allows us to realize just how unthinking we were truly being at the moment we stepped off the precipice of reason and plunged into the abyss of stupid.

It is from deep in the cesspool of stupidity that I now reach out and ask for forgiveness. I acted poorly when I knew better. There is no excuse for my behavior and I will not further insult the intelligence of my readers by offering one up. I played the fool and I am now being made the fool. It is the penance I must pay for the sin of pride and arrogance. I am guilty of hubris.

There is one good thing to found in the waters of stupidity; humility. Only when you find yourself standing in the light of public humiliation because of your own actions can you begin to accept the healing of the soul that comes through humility.

Being crucified? It is indeed the most horrific of curses to suffer. It is painful to be railed at by those you believed to be your friends and it tears at the heart to be taunted by those whom you have never before encountered. Sometimes though it is exactly what a soul needs to be born again. Thank you butchieboy for the lesson well taught.

I sincerely apologize to both Leslie and butchieboy. I acted in ignorance and a complete lack of respect. You have both taught me a lesson that will truly remain with me for a very long time to come.


Btw, Dirk's still blogging and no one died.

Leslie said...

Now where are the fucking links???

BBC, you know you're reading this tripe, so fucking cough them up!

Anonymous said...

Leslie said,

"....Btw, Dirk's still blogging and no one died....."

thimscool?
Did you read this?
Do you still think Leslie is 'effective' now?
People should have died, for fuck's sake.
I see no efficaciousness!

Leslie said...

So, you want me to scurry in a hurry and force BBC to provide me with links so that I can please you and demonstrate that I'm not a sucker?

No, I already know you're a sucker. I want BBC to put his money where his mouth is.

He's so honorable...where's the proof?

thimscool said...

Maybe he's dead.

Anonymous said...

Dead?

Death?

The cessation of life?

Tell me more.
Tell me more.

BBC is Aaron Swartz?

thimscool said...

I had forgotten about Dirk, the hippy chew toy.

So, Leslie, after humbling your foes you just leave them to wither on the vine, only turning your cold shoulder to laugh at them when they whimper that they miss you? Don't you feel some comradery with your victims?

At least the spider has the decency to eat her prey and share its atoms. But you just leave quivering husks bound in your excretions.

Damn that's cold!

Anonymous said...

".....But you(Leslie) just leave quivering husks bound in your excretions......"

The Tutor left his quivering husk bound in her secretions, but he didn't seem to mind - parts of him seem to slough off all the time - no biggie!

http://www.registerednursern.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/08/tree-man.jpg

Anonymous said...

"......At least the spider has the decency to eat her prey and share its atoms. But you just leave quivering husks bound in your excretions......"

The spider eats flies. And we all know what they eat.
Innit?

Also, the female spider, once her brood has hatched and scurrying about, will purposefully place herself in a trance and allow her offspring to feed voraciously on her maternal bodily fluids until she too becomes a non-quivering husk bound in the secretions of her own offspring.

Question is, does this Arachnid metaphor extend to this degree?

Leslie said...

Thimscool, I am the victim.

I retaliate, I do not instigate.

thimscool said...

Said the spider to the intrusive fly.

thimscool said...

Good news! BBC is alive and he is reading a book about blow jobs in high places.

That should set your mind at ease.

Leslie said...

So he'll be providing those links soon...?

billy pilgrim said...

this whole deal is similar to pro rasslin with their heel/face turns.

at one time bbc was the biggest heel around but somehow he's almost turned into a baby face. of course heel/face turns in pro rasslin are never permanent. push the right buttons and voila, he's a heel again.

and it goes without saying that the pilgrim is a face.

Anonymous said...

BBC can read?

Apparently, speaking of fellatio in high places, two acts of fellatio were ongoing in the Executive toilets of Cantor Fitzgerald when the first plane hit the North Tower.

How do they learn this stuff?

thimscool said...

Oh alright, I'll ask him.

Baby Face Billy?

billy pilgrim said...

baby faces are the good guys and heels are the despicable villains.

thimscool said...

BBC refused to dignify this conversation with a response, except to reiterate that I am an idiot for not apprehending that you are all one sadistic genius.

But, on the plus side he says that he will take care of the problem.

thimscool said...

I've carried a lot of water in this thread and I am still thirsty. Where's the port?

thimscool said...

Where the fuck is Harry?

Leslie said...

Am I also "Jackiesue"?

JACKIESUE said...

the worse thing in the entire world? BBC a horrible man who is so miserable in his life he tries to pass his ugly soul on to others..but your ugly soul will die some day, and I will be dancing on your grave.

Blogger BBC said...

You dumb broad, I won't be having a grave, besides, you're likely to die before I do.

Blogger BBC said...

Make up a mock grave and dance on it at the care center, I don't give a shit.

Blogger BBC said...

If she thinks my life is so miserable why do I enjoy doing all the things I do? I just bitch about how many women are is all, and rightfully so being as I compare all women to Helen.

Blogger BBC said...

While she's sitting on her fat ass watching a football game and stuffing snacks in her mouth I'll be at a shooting match.

Blogger BBC said...

Good thing Helen doesn't blog, she'd have a lot of women pissed at her being as she doesn't like fat broads either.

Blogger BBC said...

But this post is about chainsaw repair, not stupid fat broads.

thimscool said...

Is this thing on?


I guess I should get to work.... nose to the grindstone.

thimscool said...

I'm not sure he meant JackieSue... he likes her.

Leslie said...

Am I also this person?

The Future Was Yesterday said...

One of the things you never did was contradict yourself, except when you were awake.

Blogging gave itself an enema and look what kind of shit dropped out!! Don't let the door hit you in the ass on your way out, ya fraudulent fucker! You'll be missed more than PMS and your spiritual brother Bush, together!! And did your wife Vic approve this? Better get permission first!

"Oh Helen! They JUST won't do what I tell them to do! WAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!" ROTFLMAO!!!!

Monkey Power Forever!!!

YEEEEEEEE HAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Want a banana?

thimscool said...

See the shit that I miss because I'm too slow witted to follow all of BBC's travels? I should cancel NetFlix.

thimscool said...

Bah. These crackers aren't going to bake themselves.

Leslie said...

Of course BBC is not providing links. Because THERE ARE NONE.

BBC is a fucking joke.

Anonymous said...

thimscool said,

"......See the shit that I miss because I'm too slow witted to follow all of BBC's travels? I should cancel NetFlix....."

Buy NFLX on the NASDAQ. It has at least 20% more steam left in it before it carks it again. Up 2 percent so far today.
RIMM's up 8+ percent!
The Tutor is a happy camper!

Leslie is obsessed with BBC - it's a love thing.

billy pilgrim said...

he still owes me an apology ya know.

Leslie said...

Bah. These crackers aren't going to bake themselves.

1) That's racist

2) Will there be a retraction and/or an apology forthcoming since no evidence of a bounty on BBC has been produced?

Thimscool, you are officially the Roger Goodell of blogging.

Anonymous said...

I'll pony up a Jackson if BBC were to somehow come to an inglorious end through supposed misadventure.

If thimscool is the Roger Goodell, what am I?
I want to be something.

billy pilgrim said...

your my muse.

Anonymous said...

Are you fucking nuts pilgrim?
You can do much better.

That is, of course:

1) You were talking to and about me.

and.....

2) You apologise to me for pixellating 'your' when you clearly should have pixellated 'you're'.

thimscool said...

I am merely a dutiful reporter and messenger. More mercurial than Goodell (is he the husband of that chick what frolicked with those randy chimps?).

But if it makes you flush I'll apologize for insinuating that you have recently bedeviled BBC with any specific taunts or death threats... still we all know that you/ALTF/et. all are patiently marinating his fragile ego.

billy pilgrim said...

by focusing on my grammar rather than my inner beauty you failed the muse test. but more importantly, i made 5 bucks by predicting your response.

not many girls get the chance to be a muse and you blew it.

Anonymous said...

"......More mercurial than Goodell (is he the husband of that chick what frolicked with those randy chimps?)....."

Ha!
That's Goodall!
Apparently, your mercurial nature has caused a bit of Minamata disease. In extreme cases, insanity, paralysis, coma, and death follow within weeks of the onset of these symptoms.

Anonymous said...

".....but more importantly, i made 5 bucks by predicting your response....."

From whom?
And you could double it if you bring me the head of Holofernes on a platter - a "Jackson" is 5 dollars, right?
As far as squandering my chance to be your muse is concerned, I shall endeavour to cope.

thimscool said...

That's what I get for huffing broken CFL's.

I should take up a collection. Pilgrim is swimming in cash.

Anonymous said...

Seeing as everyone is apologising for various real and imagined slights, I figure I too should apologise for lifting many of thimscool's witty retorts, over the years, and passing them off as my own.

You will be forever footnoted in my mind, if not on paper.

Anonymous said...

"......huffing broken CFL's......"

People do that?

Sheesh! How does America maintain its greatness if this sort of shite goes on?

Leslie said...

But if it makes you flush I'll apologize for insinuating that you have recently bedeviled BBC with any specific taunts or death threats... still we all know that you/ALTF/et. all are patiently marinating his fragile ego.

Ok, you apologized and then accused again. That doesn't work for me.

Proof. Links. Right here. Right now.

thimscool said...

She thought she was a man, but she was a muffin!

Leslie said...

Also? I have never issued a death threat on the internet.

I'd like to see the death threat Doc Teri claims she received on Christmas Eve. You know, since she has her comments emailed to her for convenience in alerting the FBI.

Fork it over, lady.

Grandstanding frauds!

I'm cranky as hell now, Thimscool. Good job!

Game on.




Leslie said...

And don't think I won't call in Kelly and Butchie. I totes will!

thimscool said...

You forgot to flush.

Leslie said...

A full house always beats a flush.

Anonymous said...

"......Also? I have never issued a death threat on the internet......"

Have you received any?

I've three so far. One from BBC, one from Omar and another from some anonymous person who I think was a Google algorithm anyway so that doesn't count. (Thank you thimscool)

Anonymous said...

".....A full house always beats a flush......"

Heh!
There was a full house there. Granted, I think one of the ladies is dead now, but still, the little ginger girl counts for something extra, yes?

The Tutor is a handsome devil. Innit?

thimscool? That photograph was taken in Augusta, Georgia - not too far from you. The photoshopping was done by a woman whose voice is to heard on one of the 911 tapes - the one regarding the plane which went down in Pa.

Leslie said...

That's right.

Let's roll!

Anonymous said...

I blame you thimscool!
You got her all riled up.
No telling what kinda shite is gonna come down the pike now.
The poor Tutor is gonna get reamed I reckon - collateral damage.

thimscool said...

I'm counting on BBC to handle this situation quietly.

Anonymous said...

"......I'm counting on BBC to handle this situation quietly......"

Oh dear god!
We're doomed.

Leslie said...

Yes, let's talk about the tutor.

Has he ever made you a love note from his dinner?

Just one of his many documented talents.

thimscool said...

No, but his girlfriend is obsessed with my lobes.

billy pilgrim said...

When I saw her through the window

She acted so confused

But I could tell she knew

If we became each other’s muse

That we would hit the news

Making magic in the blues

Anonymous said...

The salmon roe was apparently very tasty I'm told. The oyster - not so much. It came from Vietnam he was told. It was bit chewy and very dry.

The Managing Director of the hotel, quite intrigued by The Tutor's heretofore undocumented talent for the photography of sea food bits, invited him for cocktails later. Oh those French, so romantic. The Tutor told the MD that he had prostate cancer and was of no use to him. They parted friends. The MD even set him up in the VIP suite at the XXXYYYZZZ Hotel in Singapore where The Tutor was going to partake of an orifice or two of a fair Georgian(1) girl whom he met on the Internet while stalking SLTF.
Unfortunately, some Cathy D cunt ruined his fun and the young lady was spooked - irreparably.

(1) The country, not the state. And his prostate cancer was to go into miraculous remission.

Anonymous said...

"......No, but his girlfriend is obsessed with my lobes......"

I hope that isn't a Star Trek DS9 reference? You're better than that thimscool.

And if it is a reference to your grey matter 'lobes', I wouldn't say obsessed, more like a besetting. After all, there is an aura of violence about it.

Innit?

thimscool said...

Don't do violence to my janglies!

Anonymous said...

La da da, la, da, da
(Sing me, sing me, sing me, yeah)
La da da, la, da, da
(Sing the jingle jangle song)
La da da, la, da, da
(Sing me, sing me baby, yeah)
La da da, la, da, da

Ever since I met-cha
I couldn't want you better
I couldn't love you stronger if I tried
It's my true heart I'm showin'
Or my nose would be growin'
You know that it gets longer when I lie.

The Archies!
They just don't write tunes like that any more.

Sorry. Your word 'janglies' brought this tune immediately into my head. Again, your fault.

Anonymous said...

Leslie, aka SLTF, said,

"......Has he ever made you a love note from his dinner?....."

That amuse-bouche was not meant as a love note, per se, but as a testament to my undying affectation for a particular mollusc, the main flesh of which resembles the female human vulva. The Salmon roe represented my homage to all those wonderfully colourful Pacific salmon containing carotenoid pigments, which willingly gave of their lives so I could eat then smoked.
The "S L T F" arrangement was purely coincidental. Honest!

What's love got to do with it?

Leslie said...

Are you following along, Pilgrim?

I entered the blogging world as Scorpios Love to Fuck. The tutor, Sterculian Rhetoric, was completely smitten and set about stalking me until Omar and the cheerful little albino girl, Cathy D, brought him down. I do not recall the particular details, but damaging videos appeared, scandalous emails were posted, and a few Nancy Drew types made complete asses of themselves trying to connect the dots. Dots weren't connected. No one died. Best shit ever.

Now one of those still-lurking blog detectives (you know who you are, proxy-using d-bag) is filling BBC's pointy little head with bullshit stories about death threats and suicides, and BBC, ever the attention whore, is embellishing and milking it so as to manipulate the Caretaker Issues-Afflicted so they pity him and give him big boob-squishing cyber hugs.

Years later (six, I think?), this trollop ALTF, having stolen my SLTF profile picture, has crafted herself into a cheap imitation of my artful creation, all because she's a sad little pawn of the tutor, who simply can't live without me.

thimscool said...

Who wants a scotch? I do.

billy pilgrim said...

this is all very difficult to fathom.

can you email me an org chart?

Anonymous said...

"Years later (six, I think?), this trollop ALTF, having stolen my SLTF profile picture, has crafted herself into a cheap imitation of my artful creation, all because she's a sad little pawn of the tutor, who simply can't live without me."

The avatar was 'rented' and your royalties cheque is in the mail - honest.

Your artful creation?
Ha!

"Render unto Caesar the things which are Caesar's, and unto ALTF the things that are ALTF's"
Matthew 22:21).

Anonymous said...

"......all because she's a sad little pawn of the tutor,....."

More like a knight I reckon, 'cause my moves are a tad 'bent'.

And it's The Tutor by the way. Show some respect for your Alpha Enabler!

Anonymous said...

Leslie imagined,

".....The tutor, Sterculian Rhetoric, was completely smitten and set about stalking me until Omar and the cheerful little albino girl, Cathy D, brought him down....."

She wasn't very cheerful from what I remember - frightful even, if I recall correctly.

Regarding the "downing" of yours truly; alas, it is true, but I got up again.
Stronger.
Smarter.
More concerned for my personal hygiene.

Where is Cathy D?
Where is Omar?
Where is SLTF?

They won a battle; a Pyrrhic victory, but I won the war.

Leslie said...

Did you think Omar's Christmas greeting was really for Pilgrim?

Cathy D has 37,544 followers on Twitter.

SLTF had enough.

Anonymous said...

Well, I reckon OMAR knows I am not a christian and I suppose he would assume pilgrim was. Why would one offer christmas greetings to a non-christian?
Wait a minute......
Damn! What nerve!
We're on, Omar!

Cathy D 'deserves' 37,544 followers on Twitter.

SLTF was 'brought down' by Omar and Ice Girl. Is that what you mean by 'had enough'?

billy pilgrim said...

who gives a shit.

Anonymous said...

I thought that I did, but in stark sober retrospection, I fear that I do not.

I miss BBC.

His ultrasupermega banality is/was, curiously, comforting.

Leslie said...

Ice? Not quite. I ran her sorry ass off my blog with my masterful "Jolene" post for Omar. She took to posting cleavage shots for awhile and then went silent. I expect Doc Teri will do the same.

Leslie said...

Mother Hen/Old Lady still has her blog up, so you better watch it, kitten.

Take no prisoners, innit.

Anonymous said...

The Tutor assures me that that Mother Hen/Old Lady person and BBC would probably hit it off nicely.

What do you think?

Kitten?
What?
Why?

thimscool said...

This thread is no longer a masterpiece.

thimscool said...

This used to be a family channel.

Anonymous said...

thimscool said,

"......This thread is no longer a masterpiece......"

Care to hazard a guess as to the reason(s) why?

And when I say 'hazard' I mean hazard. When the fair Leslie gets like this, nothing is sacred.
Win at all costs.
It's always best to let her win 'on the blogs', otherwise, you'll see your 'banking data' appear in a link or videos of you "Masturbating To The Oldies" showing up on Youtube - to which she graciously supplies a link of course.
I recall the time Bilious beat her at Scrabble, just barely, and when he went out to his car at the end of the evening, he discovered all three of his tyres had been 'ice-picked'!

Leslie said...

You sure scare easily.

Leslie said...

I won't be around the rest of the day, so stop shaking in your Uggs.

Anonymous said...

They are Jimmy Choos - very dainty.

And The Tutor sports Zamberlans.

And there is no shaking, or shingling, either.

A bit of quivering, maybe. Especially when thimscool shows us his 'lobes'!

Michael Valentine Smith said...

My dearest Mr. Pilgrim, I might not hold a candle to Miss Wildhack but please don't sully yourself by associating with these trollops.

Anonymous said...

Carmelita said,

"......I might not hold a candle to Miss Wildhack......."

I am not at liberty to comment on the veracity of that declarative, other than to say, the real question should be, "Could you hold a candle to a pimple on Helen's ass?"
This is the true measure of a woman in these parts.

I, alas, fail in this regard. The candle, in my case, kept dripping hot wax.

Leslie said...

The Tutor accidentally supplied me with his banking/credit card data when he sent me his Expedia flight details to Bangkok as proof of something.

I hope he enjoyed his middle seat.

And I wouldn't call that video "Masturbating to the Oldies". More like "Masturbating Oldies".

Again, a gift left at my door. I don't even have to go hunting.

Leslie said...

Thimscool, how are you today? Did The Slighted One offer up those links to my alleged stalking?

Anonymous said...

"Masturbating Oldies To The Oldies"

When you do not need to go hunting, because I provide the game, I can engineer which fluffy critter makes the supreme sacrifice on my Tutor's behalf.

Anonymous said...

The Expedia flight data email was meant to be proof that he existed, IRL, and not just your ultimate fantasy-man.

thimscool said...

No links, sadly. But his post today makes me think that you had better watch your little red wagon.

billy pilgrim said...

i can't figure out if mr cook is a rock star or a folk hero on the blogs he visits these days but i can tell you he's extremely popular.

i'd be riding his coattails to fame myself but won't let any of his acolytes comment or visit blogs on his shit list and you fucknuts have put ruby's blog on his shit list!

carmelita - send me an email.

Leslie said...

Folk heroes tend to be brave in the face of opposition, so that label certainly doesn't apply.

Rock stars are vain and rich, so......no.

He's more of a Reverend Jim Jones type. "Everyone's after me and we're all gonna die, so kneel before me, validate me, and show me your tits."