last year i was quite upset when the red eared slider turtles were massacred at central park in burnaby. the details of my emotional crisis over the turtle holocaust were EXPERTLY DOCUMENTED ON ENJOY THE MOMENT.
fuck me, THEY'RE AT IT AGAIN! things must be pretty good in abbotsford if red eared slider turtles are public enemy number 1. i haven't visited the controversial turtle sites in abbotsford, it's way too far for an old man to pedal a bicycle, so it'll be up to some other civic minded citizen to advocate for the turtles. in central park the red eared sliders peacefully co-existed with the western painted guys. i always saw a row of mixed turtles basking on logs.
if that's not bad enough i was scolded by my boss yesterday for not reading her emails. being scolded by a young rubenesque woman could have been an embarrassing situation if it wasn't so funny. of course i didn't refer to her as a young rubenesque lady when relating the story to my peers. the first word rhymed with cat and the second word rhymed with punt. so it goes.
and just to add to my fabulous week, the cable company is sending out a technician tomorrow to check out the noisy gateway pvr they stuck me with. the phone rep suggested relocating the base station to our garage. fuck them, they either give me a new quiet model or it's adios muchachos.
i love you sons of bitches.
61 comments:
They've got to be worse experiences than being scolded by a young rubenesque lady, so I'm not feeling much sympathy for you. I feel more sympathy for the turtles, but I'd like to know why they're being treated as pests.
i have more days behind me than ahead of me so a little sympathy would be nice.
I'd like to see Serena Williams crack red eared slider turtles between those lusciously massive thighs of hers. Mmmm...
Speaking of genocide, I nearly killed an albino Pomeranian with no understanding of traffic and a dramatic sense of timing.
My insurance company better be glad the owner yanked hard on the lead, because who knows what kind of monster lawyer she would summon... the amount of red blood on white fur would have been sobering to any judge and jury.
The horror.
you take serena, an’ I’ll take venus,
ain't nah difference between the two.
cocaine all around my brain.
just what the world needs, another 3 legged pomeranian.
I had a red eared turtle as a kid
My mother dropped a very large gin in its water during a party and nearly killed it
yeah, turtles can't hold their liquor for sour beans.
So how did this cat punt become your boss?
she schmoozed like crazy.
If the Broonz don't win against the PEN GOOWINS, I'm rooting for Chicago.
It's 90 degrees here in Bahstin. This is weather for hockey? Meh!
Pilgrim...you have my sympathy. My boss is neither female nor rubenesque; however, I too had a run in with him this week. I did not react well.
I will take a turtle over a pomeranian any day
We refer to them as "Dropkick dogs."
".....in central park the red eared sliders peacefully co-existed with the western painted guys. i always saw a row of mixed turtles basking on logs......"
What might appear to the uninitiated as 'peaceful co-existence' is in fact utter mutual abhorrence. And this alleged 'civility', a mere phantasm.
Western Painted guy:
"Fucking invasive immigrants with their fancy red ears, coming here and taking all our food and women!
'scripta elegans'?
Ha!
'scripta cloaca' more like!
Granted, we'll fuck 'em, but we sho won't kiss 'em"
I have never never kissed
A car before It's like a door
I have always always
Grown my own before
All schools are strange
And when I'm sad
I slide
This is what I do when I 'slide'
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o-50GjySwew
Are your prancercise tights as revealingly taught?
Is your prancercise slide a seductive glide?
Has your prancercise arena got a dilapidated patina?
Yeah, that dromedary phalange is a tad disconcerting, Innit?
To answer your queries, no, yes and I'm not sure one should use the adjective 'dilapidated' to modify the word 'patina'. Nevertheless, yes.
doc - it got worse! she called me into her office and asked about my retirement plans then gave me a shitty performance appraisal.
woe is me. (soon it will be woe is her)
The woman who impales and then fellates creepy serpentine fish would drop-kick a small dog? Shocking.
Shocking?
I'll tell you what's shocking!
The Tutor!
The Tutor is frightfully shocking!
The house across the street from where he lives is up for sale. Yesterday, a young couple with three noisy and unruly children were viewing the property with an Estate agent. The Tutor walked over to the husband, and out of ear-shot from the rest, told him that a convicted paedophile lives VERY close by and he might not want to risk his children's future by buying the property.
The couple left shortly thereafter.
The Tutor likes his neighbourhood quiet.
I've known some cat punts in my day.
Why does "the man" hate turtles anyway?
The tutor told me those charges were dismissed. Mind asking him about that?
Nothing is ever dismissed when The Tutor is involved, besides The Tutor often lies to the women he loves. He insists it is for their own good, but I wonder.
Ok, well tell him that silent partner/hospice deal in Belize does not involve underage houseguests.
The Tutor is rather despondent today - in spite of his victory for a bucolic dotage. He has just discovered that the woman he has been carefully grooming for near on six years now is not as financially endowed as he heretofore believed. She has fewer assets than he. Although he always leaves his women 'richer' than he finds them, he insists that they be wealthy at the beginning of the affaire de coeur.
He is inconsolable - wailing like a school-girl he is.
The Tutor wishes for you to define "underage" and "houseguest"
And "silent".
Really? Or is he just REALLY FUCKING CHEAP AND LOOKING FOR ANOTHER FREE RIDE???!!!!!
Mooch!
Squatter!
Lazy bastard!
"Underage" meaning I can't put them to work. That monkey corridor and pool won't clean themselves, you know!
"Houseguest" meaning anyone besides me and 2 beautiful POMERANIANS!
"Silent" meaning he isn't allowed to yap at me with useless statistics and bizarre personal anecdotes! Not even in Latin! He also cannot have an intercom or a bell! And no Sarah Brghtman music! ABBA is ok.
No Sarah Brightman?
"Con Ti Partiro" then.
And that's Italian, not Latin.
The Tutor would also like y'all to know that I consider any white westernised woman under the age of 35 to be "underage" and will not abide them.
Free Ride?
The mountain is high
The valley is low
And you're confused on which way to go
So I've come here to give you a hand
And lead you into the promised land
So...
Come on and take a free ride [free ride!]
Come on and sit here by my side
Come on and take a free ride
Just stay in your wing, Freebird, and everything will work out fine. Anyway, I figger that monkey corridor will double nicely as a ramp for your mobility scooter up until the time I "Whatever Happened to Baby Jane" you.
Didn't those hicks die in a plane mishap or sommant?
The Tutor just loves Bette Davis and Joan Crawford, especially "Mommie Dearest", but then, I figger you would predict that, right?
so what does the tutor think about an annoying noisy pvr?
it's free, but noisy.
Well shit BP, I hope the week has turned for the better. Hang in there buddy and maybe the cable company will be the one to turn your frown upside down.
The drummer, Artimus Pyle, lived. Legend has it he crawled out of the wreckage and ran away without attempting to help anyone else. Then he went on to become a sex offender.
The Tutor is a drummer......
I wonder.........?
billy pilgrim asked,
"......so what does the tutor think about an annoying noisy pvr?....."
Well, the words "annoying" and "noisy" are anethema, but "pvr" reminds him of "pervert" and he's all for that.
From Wikipedia:
"He survived the 1977 plane crash that killed Ronnie Van Zant, Cassie Gaines and Steve Gaines. Pyle suffered several broken ribs, but he and other survivors walked several hundred yards to a farmhouse to try to get help. The appearance of Pyle and his companions alarmed the residents of the farmhouse, who greeted them with guns and demanded they leave the premises. Eventually the Gillsburg Volunteer Fire Department arrived and assured the occupants that the men were survivors of a plane crash. The farmer's son actually shot Pyle in the shoulder with an air rifle."
That son?
He grew up to be BBC!
Careful pilgrim!
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-latin-america-22738304
AND
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-europe-22739736
Careful Leslie!
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/science-environment-22728014
Massholes visiting the Boston Museum of Science were the study group.
volunteer firemen are the salt of the earth.
"Ye are the salt of the earth: but if the salt have lost his savour, wherewith shall it be salted? It is thenceforth good for nothing, but to be cast out, and to be trodden under foot of men."
Matthew 5:13 (King James Version)
Firemen are indeed worth their salt. Engineers, especially the P.Eng variety, however, are certainly below the salt. Physicians, contrarily, are above the salt.
Then again, one is well advised to take with a grain of salt anything I might pixellate.
And the movie "Salt" could not be done today - with the same cast that is.
volunteer firemen are the salt of the earth.
unionized firemen are mercenaries.
Please make me a Margarita, George. AND don't forget to salt the rim this time! Himalayan pink crystal, moulu fin, svp. Mmmm, delish. Now, open my parasol and give us a little fan. There's a good boy..
Arm the turtles and send them to North Korea. And a hammer will fix that noisy pvr. This is the only way.
What he just said. ^^^
excellent idea static. maybe i could get gamera out of retirement to even the odds.
the fucking pvr be gone and i be happy.
The Tutor has recently celebrated a not-so-welcome birthday. He is now a man "of a certain age".
The Tutor: "I don't feel old. In fact, I don't feel anything 'til noon and then it's time for my nap."
Omar?
Would you like a peeled grape as well? And anything Himalayan is utter shite.
The vivasectionist has no time to bartend until he finishes mocking the love of my life.
PS, I know a man who can peel a grape with his tongue while drunk and blindfolded and suffering from a concussion and gout AND dodge stray bullets while offering up erudite banter. Fuck the tutor! He's a hack!
The Tutor can do none of those things. He has, however, dodged a bullet that was meant for him. Surely that is more challenging than dodging strays?
The Tutor is not a vivisectionist, nor is he a vivasectionist. Though at university he owned and operated an "In Vivo" fertilisation clinic. Are you confused maybe?
Fuck off regarding my typos! Driving!
Fuck off even having typographically correct pixellations, much less typographical errors, while driving.
Besides, girls with chubby fingers should refrain from "sexting", even when not operating a motor vehicle at speed.
Leslie admitted,
"......The vivasectionist(sic) has no time to bartend until he finishes mocking the love of my life......"
I'm self-deprecating then?
Well why else would you have posted that bathrobe pic?
That posting was for the enlightenment of The Tutor's new Muay Thai fightin', bad-ass, Snooki look-a-like girlfriend.
It wasn't for you or me.
I'm fine with that. Just get her gristled ass out of NYC asap, so I can get to work. My days here are numbered!
You are right about her gristly arse - she looks horrid in an Ao Dai.
But her fingers ain't chubby!
And her feet ain't clubby.
Omar?
The Tutor has just purchased some fine Peruvian ayahuasca.
Interested?
Leslie's too much of a pussy to deal with the side-effects so The Tutor won't even ask her.
I know we've had our differences, Omar, but I wanted to let you know I love you thiiiiiiiiiis* much.
*Not to scale
I don't know, Billy. I think Gamera is probably dead by now. But I'll bet you anything the government has cloned him a few dozen times. Glad your pvr problem is solved. I can send you my old vhs recorder if you feel like going "analog" again. :)
Careful ALTF!
http://www.thelapine.ca/monsanto-cucumbers-cause-genital-baldness-immediately-banned-nova-scotia
static - i married gamera's sister.
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